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Jokes / Stories / Tales - November

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GOOD TIP ON HOW TO GET PERMISSION TO PLAY GOLF

Four married men were happy playing golf early on a Saturday morning…
During the 4th hole the following conversation began:
First Man: Bet you’ve no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing today...
I had to promise my wife that I’ll paint the sitting room next weekend.
Second Man: That's nothing; I had to promise mine I’d build a new deck for the pool.
Third Man: You both have it sooo easy! I had to promise my wife that I’ll remodel the kitchen for her.
They continue to play the hole,… and eventually realize that the fourth Man hasn’t said a word.
So they ask him: 'You haven't said anything about how come you were let out to play golf today. What's the deal?'
Fourth Man: I just set my alarm for 5 am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on her ass and said: 'Golf course or intercourse? ' She said: 'Wear sun-block’.

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
Bloody thing up.

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging abou

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
Contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing, farmer's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

An American tourist asks an Irish dive master:     
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:  
"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat." 

Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar.
One asked the other, "What are ya up to, mate?"
"Ahh, I'm gunna be takin' a mob of 6000 cattle from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah .... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"

Paddy's in jail.
Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hangin’ meself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the  door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the  couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a  vase somewhere!'

From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher  My five-year old students are learning to read

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"
I took a  deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does. " A f r i c a n Elephant "

Did you hear about the Pre-School teacher who was helping one of the children put on his "Wellie boot's"? 

 

He asked for help and she could see why.. 
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little "Wellie's" still didn't want to go on.

 

By the time they got the second "Wellie" on, she had worked up a sweat.  

 

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the "Wellie's" off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the "Wellie's" back on, this time on the right feet.. 

 

He then announced, "These aren't my Wellies." 
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.

 

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting "Wellie's" off his little feet.
No sooner had they gotten the "Wellie's" off when he said, "They're my brother's "Wellie's", my mom made me wear 'them.'  
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the "Wellie's" on his feet again. 
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves?" 
He said, "I stuffed 'them in the toes of my Wellie's".
She will be eligible for parole in three years!

New Australian Sex Study...

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs

The wife rolls over and plays dead

HONEYMOON .... A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.  They opened the champagne
And began undressing.  When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet?  Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong with your knees?  They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked..
"No, kneasles.  It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said.

"Let me guess... Smallcox

(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
A list of actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made to their passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
____  

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
_____  

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home...."
_____  

"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
_____  

"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"

(The Daily Telegraph)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:
 
1.     My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2.       He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3.       It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.
4.       I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5.       And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
6.       I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
7.       My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
8.       I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
9.     Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant            
10.     I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.  
11.     50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
12.    The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13.     Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
14.     This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC 2.


As reported in the newspaper...

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

(Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"

(The Guardian)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
'Vell,' replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
'Could I see him?'
Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... Flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they’re Sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this Really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.

The Bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:

1.       A salt shaker,
2.       A shot of Baileys,
3.       A shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue.
Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth.
And finally you drink the lime juice.'

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth..........smooth, Rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

1.     In one second the sharp lime taste hits
2.     At two seconds the Baileys curdles
3.     At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits
4.     At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot

This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, Jesus what do you call that drink?'

She smiles widely at him and says, 'Blow Job Revenge.'

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress,  a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry,  he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally?
Ever wonder why? 
It's because she smells like a new golf bag

You can say what you want about the South,
But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.

The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"

"Yep", he replied.  "That's why I'm dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

A man in  North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. 
A passer-by studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passer-by asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

The young man from Mississippi  came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

A senior at  Louisiana  was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."

The owner of a golf course in  Georgia  was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. 
That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind.  He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. 
"But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

The Knob

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're dead!!!!

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Centrelink Offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you have just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children.'
The man told the fairy:
'Well, in  Sri Lanka where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --

PING!!! He had a brand new shining set of gold  teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a  big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Sri Lanka. I want to bring them all over here.

PING! - In  the distance there could be seen a beautiful  mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a  sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.


'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving  her wand.

I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl ,and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'

PING! -  The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a  greasy terry-towel hat.  He had his  bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared  from the horizon.
'What  happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.  'Where is my new house? Where's my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said
'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian, you're entitled  to sweet f***  all like the  rest of  us
And she disappeared

Why Sentence Structure Is So Important...
 
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Mary or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than just flip a coin,
he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went straight
to the water cooler to take a a couple of aspirins.

The boss approached her and said:
'Mary, I've never done this before, but I either have to lay you or Jack off '
'Could you jack off?'  she says.....'I feel like shit

TOP TEN THOUGHTS FOR 2009

Number10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?

Number 2
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

ANDTHE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2009:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America , but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.  Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

And the BONUS thought for today

"Life is like a jar of jalapenos .  
What you do today, might burn your arse tomorrow ". 

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.  Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.  You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.  You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.  Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case,
I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don't try to find me.  Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been..  I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping - too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was, 'You look just like a girl!'  Since my mother raised me "not to say anything if you can't say something nice," I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.  About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out.  So when I hit the Lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica ..  But when I got home, you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.  My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S.  I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.  I hope that's not a problem.

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings  into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day,
She had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with  his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss. 
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time
The two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!
People stopped coming over to visit. 
Repairmen refused to work in the house. 

The maid quit...

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was,
He agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... But only if she would sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ........ And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. 

This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. ''Oh, my,'' said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.''

''It's quite OK,'' replied the snake. ''Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you , and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you.''

''Oh, that would be wonderful'', replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, ''Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.''

'Oh, thank you, thank you!!' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, ''Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.''

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, ''Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management.'

Great News for YOU during these financially challenging times!

I found a  local prostitute who charges by the inch.
Obviously, I can't afford  her, but I thought you might enjoy a cheap night out.   

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate.
So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk. . I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.
They look so life like you wouldn't believe it!
They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.
To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my life like men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up.
Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.
He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me..
I could tell he was not a happy camper!
'What's going on here? '
'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly..
'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? '
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,
'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'

A LONELY widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read: "Husband wanted: must be in my age group (70's), must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed! All applicants please apply in person."
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you...you have no legs!"
The old man smiled," Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted, "You don't have any arms either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "Rang the doorbell didn't I?"

FEMALE COMPASSION. The depth and breadth of it is truly amazing!

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f****d?' 
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

My neighbors, the two 25 year old blonde lesbians next door, asked me  what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a new Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me  when I said, "I wanna watch."

The President was visiting Europe, and in Spain he noticed an old man in a long flowing white robe with a long white beard and long white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. Excited, G.W. approached the man and enquired, "Aren't you Moses." The man ignored G.W. and stared at the ceiling.

President Bush positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked gain, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to look up at the ceiling.

Exasperated, G.W. reached out, tugged at the man's sleeve, and asked again, "Excuse me, sir. But aren't you Moses?" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes, I am."

G.W. asked him why he was acting so rude and Moses responded, "Purely self-defence, I assure you. The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to wander around in the desert for forty years!"

A strawberry blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!
Why WAL-MART??

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!     

Q: Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray? 
A: It's for Dickheads

The Itch
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large  breasts. Nick the  Dragon  Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his  desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try... One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his  desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause  Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day,  Horatio made a batch of Itching Powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story............ Pay your bills.

'If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?' Billy Connelly

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife.
He immediately dials 999.
Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''
Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''
*click* *BANG*
Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's Sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?
'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over..
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him
up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's ass, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should wefwase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional   nurse.  In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, evealing the tiniest man thingy the  nurse had  ever seen.
Length and width, it couldn't have  been  bigger than an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then almost fell to the floor laughing.
A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse.  "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again.  Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
Things went downhill from there.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 

"You all have obsessions" he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy"
He turned to the second mother, Ann "Your obsession is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny"
He turned to the third mother, Kathy "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy"

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered .....
"Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.  Let's pick Willy up from school and go home"

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul,Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and withouthesitation said, 'Land Mines.'

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one.  Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
 
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; “So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.  This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
 
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break.  Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
 
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
 
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind,  that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived.   Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.  

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.  

We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.' Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.   But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.

Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:

What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:

How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:

What is God's first name?

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?

Shucks, that one is easy.   That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do

have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.  
How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.... '
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.

'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied,

'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run!'

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with absolutely perfect breasts. He approaches her and says, "Miss, would you let me bite ye  breasts for $100? "
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite ye breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks.
"Listen; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"  
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ; "Would you let me bite ye breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a moment and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; O.K., just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there "
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."

Two Maoris are riding along Highway on a motorbike. They break down and start trying to hitching a lift. A friendly trucker (Rob) stops to see if he can help and the 2 Maori's ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,00 bowling balls.

The Maori's put it to the Rob that if they can manage to fit in the back with their bike will he give them a lift and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so Rob the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulls him over for speeding.

The good officer asks Rob what he is carrying to which he replies jokingly......... "Maori eggs". The Highway Patrol Officer obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look

He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Maori eggs in it, 2 have hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already"

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
 
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" 
 
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
 
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.  They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" 
 
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night." 
 
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning." 
 
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" 
 
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long 

'Holy Prostitutes'

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: 

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS 
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the! bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door..'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' 

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. 
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.  SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER 

>I urgently needed a few days off  from a company I work for in Auckland but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. 
I thought  that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a  few days off. 
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.  
My co-worker, (who's an Aussie),  asked me what I was doing? 
I told him that I was pretending to be a  light bulb so that the Boss  would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few  days off. 
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked  "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. 
He said,  "You are clearly stressed out, go home and recuperate for a couple of  days". 
I jumped down and walked out of the office. 
When my  co-worker, (the Aussie) followed me, the  Boss asked him "...And where do you think you're going?" 
>The Aussie said,  "I'm going home too mate.... Can't work in  the dark..

I walked into Bunning's hardware at lunchtime, wandered down the  timber aisle and some old fart dressed in a red shirt with a green apron on asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got in the first half dozen punches and sorted the bastard out.
Those less suspecting might not be so lucky. Spread this warning on to all your friends.

 

Aliens are coming to earth on hot dog day and their mission is to abduct all good looking and sexy people.
 
You will all be safe, i'm just emailing you to say goodbye.

Have a (great time) while i'm away!  

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.  The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.'  I was born Fred Dingaling.  I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades.  When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.  I went through college,medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.  After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school..  Dentistry was my dream!  Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.  Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.  Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my  DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'
 
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another
and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to
remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out of the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'
The drunk, still staring down at the bed sheets in amazement, replied: 'I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.'

Great News for YOU during these financially challenging times!

I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.

Obviously, I can't afford  her, but I thought you might enjoy a cheap night out.  

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley:

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story??  (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!) ->

'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.   It was a disaster! 
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus! 

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.   Paddy ordered a whiskey. 
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. 
He replied in disgust  "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!" 
Paddy handed his drink back and said  "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!" 

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.   
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?" 
Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!" 

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. 
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on" 

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. 
She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?" 
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"

Q.  What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common? 
 
A.  A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one! 

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not 

servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap! 

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. 
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!" 

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off. 
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?" 
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!" 

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. 
Mick say "Crikey!  There's a bloke here who was 152!" 
Paddy says "What's his name ?" 
Mick replies "Miles,  from London!" 

Here's a true email sent to the Edinburgh force, lengthy but absolutely brilliantly written..... An anonymous correspondence from a member of the public

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant
?????????  

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ???
?????????????
Community Beat Officer

Dear PC ?????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards
???????

This is the fairy tale which we should have been reading as little girls and boys!

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then,
my sweet, we can marry and set up house keeping, in your castle with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

“I don't effing think so”

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica.
They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!'

So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, 'I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in... Dey make you wild at sex.

'The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the shopkeeper, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?

'The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on.

'So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on da wrong feet! Mon, you got dem on da wrong feet!'...

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for abetter man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.......

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several service stations in England.

Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house, his wife has lots of jewellery and Ahmed always has a lot of money to spend.

Hamid and his family live in a small council flat and are always broke.

Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day from his begging while Ahmed manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day.

Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to do so much better with his begging. Ahmed says, 'Look at your sign. It says, 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.' Britons who see that do not feel as if they will accomplish anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family. Now look at my sign.'

So Hamid looks at Ahmed 's sign which reads: 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '

Why it's important to understand English
I had a bunch of dollars I needed to exchange,so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line.
Just one lady in front of me...... an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a Little irritated .
She asked the teller, "Why it change??
Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
 "Fluctuations".

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table,
And see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques,
But first I need to push the Coke aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
And I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor.

Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!

For the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
Sweat-shirt, Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma .."
And they say blondes are dumb..
 -----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
 The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour .
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
-----------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
 -----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we Need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
Which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the Volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that---since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Where would you be if:
you have all the money your heart desires
you have no worries ...
you come home and the finest meal is awaiting you...
your bathwater has been run...
you have the perfect kids...
your partner is awaiting you with open arms and kisses...
so where would you be...?                 

in the wrong f*****?? house!!!!

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a  physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes, "he said rolling aroundin agony whilst still clasping his hands together in his groin. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Fascinating Research

 

A recent study found that the type of male face that a woman is attracted to can vary considerably depending
upon where she is in her menstrual cycle.

It seems that if a woman is ovulating then she is more attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, she is more inclined to be drawn to a man who is doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors embedded deep into his temple and a cricket stump shoved up his arse. 

Fascinating..

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said,  "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven. "The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells" .
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied............."They're Carols".

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no" says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." 
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." 
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
T
he cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the tables.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed.
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

A guy goes into a supermarket and buys: * one tin of beans * one bag of chips *
one pack of burgers * one tub of ice cream * one cake * one case of beer * one pint of milk.
He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single. The guy replies sarcastically, "Yes. However did you guess?"
The girl replies: "Simple...You are one ugly bastard!"

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together.
Their three kids, all very successful,  agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm
running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."

"Not to worry," said the dad... "the important thing is that we're all here together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad
just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."

"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm
sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy
packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today." After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.

You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married."

The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"

Yep," said the dad... "and cheap ones too!"

Last week was my birthday and i didn't feel very well waking up that

morning. i went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be

pleasant and say, "happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

as it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "happy birthday." 
i thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. 

my kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. so when i left for

the office, i was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

as i walked into my office, my secretary jane said, "good morning, boss,

happy birthday!" it felt a little better that at least someone had

remembered. i worked until one o'clock and then jane knocked on my?door

and said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your

birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." 

I said, "thanks jane, that's the greatest thing i've heard all day.

let's go!" we went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go.

we dined instead at a little place with a private table. we had two

martinis each and i enjoyed the meal tremendously on the way back to the

office, jane said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

i responded, "i guess not. what do you have in mind?" she said, "let's

go to my apartment." 

after arriving at her apartment jane turned to me and said, "boss, if

you don't mind, i'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. i'll be

right back."

"ok." i nervously replied. 

she went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out

carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens?

of my friends and co-workers, all singing "happy birthday".

and i just sat there... on the couch... naked.

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
(Must Read Out Loud)
1.            That's not right                                                  Sum Ting Wong
2.            Are you harbouring a fugitive                          Hu Yu Hai Ding
3.            See me ASAP                                                    Kum Hia
4.            Stupid Man                                                         Dum Fuk
5.            Small Horse                                                       Tai Ni Po Ni
6 .            Did you go to the beach                                   Wai Yu So Tan
7.            I bumped the coffee table                                 Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8.            I think you need a face lift                                Chin Tu Fat
9.            It's very dark in here                                           Wai So Dim
10.       I thought you were on a diet                                 Wai Yu Mun Ching
11.       This is a tow away zone                                         No Pah King
12.       Our meeting is scheduled for next week             Wai Yu Kum Nao
13.       Staying out of sight                                               Lei Ying Lo
14.       He's cleaning his automobile                               Wa Shing Ka
15.       Your body odour is offensive                              Yu Stin Ki Pu

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to
consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill
for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00.

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He
goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.  "But sir," he
says, this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping
with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

Be Careful!

For all my female friends.... Be careful out there.

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older women who are past the age of 35. What happens is that when the intended victim stops for a red light, an almost nude, good looking, tanned, muscled young man comes up to her car and pretends to wash the windshield. While he is doing this, another young, handsome athletic man opens the back door of the car, takes anything valuable and insists the woman drive off with him to some lonely spot, where he has his way with her.

They are very good at this.

They got me seven times Friday and five times Saturday....

I couldn't find them on Sunday...

The Middle wife

 

 By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher I've been teaching now for  about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,  but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own  second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell.

 

 So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get  over shyness and Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in  pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of  fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any  boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to

 school and talk about it, they're welcome.

 

 Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very

 outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the

 class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.  "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.  First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put  a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for  nine months through an umbrella cord."

 

 She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm  trying not to  laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her  in amazement.

 

 "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,  'Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh! Now the kid's doing  this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning. "My  Dad called  the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on  the car like the Domino's man." "They got my Mom to lie down in  bed like  this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop!

 

 My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got  thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"  This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water  flowing away. It was too much!

 

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe,  breathe.'" "They started counting, but never even got past ten."  "Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky  stuff, they all said was from Mom's play-centre! , so there must be a  lot of stuff inside there." Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical  bow and returned to her seat.

 

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's  show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this - it's still in the CRATE!"

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

 "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah.

Michael, do you have a story to share?" Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f#ck with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg has been invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate". The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden eg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, Sorry about our previous suggestion - please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and, with your bald head, you will really look the part".

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your @rse and go as a toffee apple."

What do you call a donkey with one leg?
A wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a Truck?

F#CKING TALENTED!

Water at the State Department

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.

The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods
(French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly  camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,

"A man is sitting on the well!"

Men's Classes

CLASSES FOR MEN AT OUR LOCAL LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS - SIGN-UP BY November 25TH

NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants

TOPIC 1 - HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS. Step by step, with slide presentation.

TOPIC 2 - THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Round table discussion.

TOPIC 3 - IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE

TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB? Group practice.

TOPIC 4 - FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

TOPIC 5 - THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK? Examples on video.

TOPIC 6 - LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Help line support and support groups.

TOPIC 7 - LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT

PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open forum.

TOPIC 8 - HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. Graphics and audio tape.

TOPIC 9 - REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. Real life testimonials.

TOPIC 10 - IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS. Driving simulation.

TOPIC 11 - LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND WIFE. Online class and role playing.

TOPIC 12 - HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

TOPIC 13 - HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

UPON COMPLETION OF THE COURSE DIPLOMAS WILL BE ISSUED TO THE SURVIVORS.

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. 
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he  would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? 
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. 
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife "F*ck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

The Mounds Of Dirt life dishes out

One day a farmer's donkey fell into an abandoned well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up any way,so it just wasn't worth it to try to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.

They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. Realizing what was happening, the donkey at first cried and wailed horribly.

Then, a few shovel fulls later, he quieted down completely.

The farmer peered down into the well, and was astounded by what he saw.

With every shovel full of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.

He would shake it off and take a step up on the new layer of dirt.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, it would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off, to the shock and astonishment of all the neighbors!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.

The trick to getting out of the well is to not let it bury you, but to shake it off and take a step up.

Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone.

We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!

Shake it off and take a step up!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred.
Free your mind from worries.
Live simply.
Give more.
Expect less.
Also, the donkey later kicked the hell out of the guy that tried to bury him.

Which brings me to another moral for this story:
When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back and gets you

ABC's of Aging
A is for arthritis,
B is for bad back,
C is for the chest pains. Corned beef?  Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention
and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches, and lots of incisions
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L is for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time
(But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my 
M-memory from time to time)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu?
Give me another pill and I'll be good as new!
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my increasing medical bills!
T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
and the word "terminal" also rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet found
X is for X ray--and what one might find
Y is for year (another one I'm still alive)
so Z is for zest

What Each Star Sign Says After 

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again."
Taurus: "I'm hungry - pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the tv remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me - I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off."
Pisces: "What did you say your name was?

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

Untimely Death of .......... Common Sense

Obituary of Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, by
the name of common sense.

Common Sense lived a long life, but died in the United
States from heart failure around the beginning of the new millennium. No one really knows how old he was, since his birth records were lost long ago in bureaucratic red tape

He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools,
hospitals, homes, factories, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws, and frivolous lawsuits had no power over Common Sense.

He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as
to know when to come out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in second.

A veteran of the industrial revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technical Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including body piercing, whole language, and "new math."
But his health declined when he became infected with the "If it only helps one person, it's worth it" virus.

In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for
the ravages of well intentioned, but overbearing, regulations.

He watched in pain as good people became ruled by
self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero-tolerance policies.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of
mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.

It declined even further when schools had to get parental
consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a female student was pregnant or wanted an abortion.

Finally, when a woman failed to realize that a steaming
cup of coffee was hot, awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel.

As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of
logic, but was kept informed of developments regarding questionable regulations, such as those for the low flow of toilets, rocking chairs, and step ladders.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth
and Trust; His wife, Discretion; His daughter, Responsibility, and his son, Reason.

He is survived by two step-brothers: My Rights, and Ima
Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he
was gone.

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan

Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Wait till you read this guy's response, but read the letter before you get to his answer.

Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; 
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; 
Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price, District Representative, Land and Water Management

Division

This is the actual response sent back........

Dear Mr. Price:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Your certified letter dated 12/17/01 has been handed to me to respond to.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal Landowner and/or Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project,

I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I am concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now.

Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!

Bears are actually defecating in our woods.

I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Sincerely,

Stephen L. Tvedten

An award should go to the Ansett Airlines gate attendant in Sydney for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Ansett flight was cancelled after Ansett's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS."

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out. "

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Ansett attendant, gritted his teeth and said. "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too".

Husband and wife were out shopping. After an indecent time of traipsing through malls into all sorts of shops, dear hubby was getting rather annoyed and wanted to get home. How was he going to stop his wife shopping? "I know", he thought, "I'll get her angry and she'll pack it in!"

As they were walking through another shop he said to her, "You know, your butt is as big as a combine harvester." He got no response and the shopping continued. Frustrated he said in the next shop, "You know dear, I think I was wrong. Your butt is as big as two combines!"

Well, that did the trick and she packed it in.

Later that night when things had cooled down and they were in bed, hubby started to feel a little amorous and asked his wife, "How about it?" Her reply was, "If you think I'm going to start up a million dollars worth of equipment to process half a corn cob you've got another thing coming!!"

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes." "What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."

Q. Why was Jesus not born in Australia?

A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

AUSSIE SAYINGS SLANG

THIS SHOULD MAKE ANYONE PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE.....?!?!?  ("OI, OI, OI!")

I'm hungry:

"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
 "So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."
"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."

I'm thirsty:

"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
"I'm drier than a nuns nasty."
"I'm dry as a fuck with no foreplay."
"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."
"I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."
"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."
"I need to go for a pee:
"Gonna drain me dragon."
"My back teeth are floating."
"Need to syphon the python."
"Takin' the kids to the pool."
"I got to take a snakes hiss."
"Gotta go have a slash."
"Gonna go water a horse."
"I'm off to drain the main vein."
"Time to splatter the bladder."
"I'm dying for a piss so bad I can taste it."
 "Shake hands with the wife's best friend."

I need to do a poo:

"I gotta go give birth to a politician."
"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."
"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."
"Off to the bog to leave an offering."
"Time to snap off a grogan."
"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."
"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."
"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."
"I'm going to give birth to your twin."
 "Need to choke a brown dog."
"I've freed Nelson Mandela."
"Going for a Rodney."
"Taking out the garbage."
"I gotta back one out."

Vomit:

"Calling for George." (think about it)
"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."
"I left him a lawn pizza."
"Toss a tiger on the carpet."

Insults:

"I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders."
"Not enough brains to give 'imself a headache!"
"About as useful as tits on a bull."
"You must be the world's only living brain donor."
"He's a few wanks short of an orgasm."
"She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard."
"He had a head on him like a sucked mango."
"May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."
"He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock."
"So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til the bell rang!"
"Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery."
"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"
"As ugly as a bucket of arseholes."
"If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk backwards."
"Got a face like a bashed in shit can."
"Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground."
"Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."
 "Couldn't organise a fuck in a brothel with a fist full of fifties."
"About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition."
"I'll kick your bum till your nose bleeds!"
"A stubbie short of a six pack."
"Seen better heads in a piss trough."
"You're as handy as shit on a stick."
 "Tighter than a fish's arse."
"So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him."
"Face like a smashed crab."
"As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."
"He could talk a dog off a meatwagon."
"Fucked in the head."
"You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."
"He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."
 "Mate, shes as rough as a pigs breakfast."
"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."
"He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle."
"She's been hit with the fugley stick too many times."
"She's two pick handles wide."
"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."
"As ugly as a bag of spanners."
"You've got a head like a dropped pie."
 "He thinks his shit don' stink, but his farts give him away."
"I wish his dad had settled for a blow job."
"Fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down."
"If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it."
"Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deck chairs."
 "As thick as two short planks!"

Compliments:

"Ya bloods worth bottling!"
"He's True Blue."
"I'd be up her like a rat up a drain pipe."
"A better man never stood in two shoes!"

Yes:

"Does a fat dog fart?"
"Even Blind Freddy could see it."
"Is the Pope a Catholic?"
 "Does a Koala shit in a gum tree and wipe his ass on a Cockatoo?"
"Does the Pope tuck his shirt in with a wooden spoon?"
 "Bloody oath!"
"No wucking furries."

No:

"Pig's arse!!"

Assorted:

 "Drilling for Vegemite." (Anal sex)
"I'll have a super." (I'll have a beer)
"Make mine an unleaded." (I'll have a light beer)
"Going off like a frog in a sock." (try to picture this one)

A man and his wife were walking along the road when they came to an old deep wishing well.
Suddenly the wife tripped and fell into the well with a long chilling scream.
Surprised, the husband said, "I didn't think that those things really worked".

One day a 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and wound down its window.
"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car" said the driver.
"No way, get stuffed!" replied the boy.
"How about a bag of lollies and 10 bucks" the driver asked.
"I said no way" replied the boy
"What about a bag of lollies and 50 bucks?" asked the driver.
"No, I'm not getting in the car." answered the boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a bag of lollies and $100" the driver offered.
" No!" replied the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.
The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought the fucking Volvo, you live with it !"

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived and orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since
I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
It's quite OK," replied the snake. Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.
Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked,
"Well, you're slick and scaley, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a lawyer, or possibly someone in senior management."

The parrot
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. 
The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually
understood what I said and answered me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. 
"I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. 
"Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. 
I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. 
You can't see it because of my feathers." 
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you ?" 
Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. 
I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. 
And I am especially good at ornithology. 
You should buy me; I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 
He says "I can't afford that." 
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. 
You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. 
He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says,
"Pssst," and motions him over with one wing.
The guy goes up close to the cage.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot,
"but it's about your wife and the mailman."
"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door
today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began
to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down."
The parrot pauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the Parrot,
"I got a hard-on and I fell off my perch."

Christmas Party from Hell

FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! 
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognise that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party-the days are so short this time of year -  or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director

Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.  
Could we lighten up?

FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes.. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 14
RE: Bob Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Bob Lewis a speedy recovery from his stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to him at the sanatorium. 
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Sad News about Beer
Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologise when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
H. Landau
Clinical trials master

No President? Why not The Queen?
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. 
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "####".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 7th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. It is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.

12th November 2000
Vacation
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again." Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me !

10th November 2000
10. Dog property laws:

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

How dogs and men are the same:

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
6. Neither understands what you see in cats.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both break wind shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.

How dogs are better than men:

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

9th November 2000
An example of Swedish quality concept...

The Golf pro Tiger Woods drives his Volvo into a Petrol Station in Cork, on his tour of Ireland. 
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Corkmanner, unaware as to who the golf pro. is....
"-Top of the morning to you etc., etc"
Tiger Woods bends down to pick up the pump, but two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground.
"-What are dey Son?" says the attendant.
"-They're called tees" replies Tiger Woods.
"-And what would they be for then?" enquires the Cork man.
"-They're for putting my balls on while I'm driving" says Tiger Woods. "-Jaysus", says the Cork man, "Dem boys at Volvo tink of fookin' everyting!"

3rd November 2000
The Life of an Egg...
If you think life is bad.......
How would you like to be an egg?
* You only get laid once.
* You only get eaten once.
* It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
* Only 2 minutes to get soft.
* You share your box with 11other guys. 
But worst of all.........
The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
So cheer up.....Your life ain't that bad!!!
Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay, I mean day!!

3rd November 2000
An Irish wife was having a shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Paddy. 
"Paddy! Paddy!" she yelled.
Paddy came running in, "Paddy, 
Oi've suctioned meself to the floor" she said. "Ohhh bejasus!" Paddy said and tried to pull her up.
"You're just too heavy lass, Oi'll go across the road and get Murphy" (his mate).
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"Nope, Oi cannot do it" Murphy said, 
"Lets try Plan C" "Plan C?" exclaimed Paddy,
"What's dat den"?
"Oi'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her."
"All roight" Paddy said,
"While your doing dat Oi'll stay here and play with her tits".
"Play with her tits"? Murphy said
"Why would you be wanting to do dat then"?
Paddy replied "Well Oi figure if Oi can get her wet enough we can
slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so fucking expensive to replace"

3rd November 2000 
Odd Jobs
A husband is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts; "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a General Electric logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."  To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine!" 
She says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break." "I'm not a bloody carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I've got Mitre 10 written on my forehead? I don't think so. 
I've had enough of you, I'm going to the pub!" So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about the way he treated his wife, and decided to go home and help out. As he walks in the door, he notices that the steps are already fixed and the light is no longer flickering. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and he notices that the fridge door is also fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him."
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" he asked.
She replied, "HELLO!!!.....
Do you see Sarah Lee written on my forehead?

3rd November 2000
THIS HAS TO BE THE BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR...
A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone with a problem.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard.
None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?", he asks.
"It's of a big rooster," she replies.
"All right," he says, "I'll come over and have a look."
When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads
him over to the kitchen table where she has it laid out.
He takes one look at what she's been struggling with and says,
"Oh, for fuck sakes, put the cornflakes back in the box!"

3rd November 2000
The Glow Worm Poem
Something to make you smile!
The glow-worm poem
I'd like to be a glow worm
A glow worm's never glum
It's hard to be downhearted
When the sun shines out your bum!

3rd November 2000
This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, What's wrong with my baby,
Doctor? What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features... of a male and a female." 
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it has a penis.....AND a brain?"

3rd November 2000
A few things not to say to a cop. Importance: High

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds? 
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

3rd November 2000 
Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old. 
Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's penis, and they would watch TV for an hour or so. 
It wasn't much, but it was all they had. One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either.
Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wandering about the grounds.
She confronted him and said: "Where were you these past couple of nights?" He replied: "If you must know, I was with another woman". "Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?".
"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he answered.
"Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked.
"Nope, she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied.
"Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.
Bill smiled slyly and said: "Parkinson's disease"

3rd November 2000
CONFESSION BOX
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic Church, sits down in a Confession Box and says nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
Finally, the bewildered priest coughs to attract the drunk's attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. 
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking, pal, there's no paper in this one either."

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