After an international flight of over twelve hours, everyone was eager to disembark as soon as we landed. However, we had a long taxi to the terminal and then a long wait for another plane to leave so we could taxi to the assigned gate. In spite of the flight attendant’s announcement asking everyone to stay seated until the captain gave the signal that we were stopped, several passengers unlatched their seat belts and stood up to retrieve baggage from the overhead bins.

At that point the captain’s voice came over the loudspeakers. “Ladies and gentlemen, as you might imagine, after such a long flight with hundreds of passengers, the lavatories are in terrible shape. If you would like to help us out, please stand to indicate your willingness to help clean them.”

Everyone was seated immediately.

Years ago, there was a very low cost airline called PSA (Pacific Southwest Airlines). The other airlines hated the cheap competition. Once, I was on a United Airlines flight. As we flew over the Sacramento area, the pilot announced, “If you look to your right, you will see PSA passengers deplaning from their flight.” Looking out the windows, we saw a group of skydivers jumping out of their plane.

A German captain announced: We’re almost at our destination airport Muenster. But unfortunately, weather conditions are so miserable that landing might not be possible. But the Lufthansa plane just ahead of us is trying. I will observe the outcome and then decide what to do.

On a flight from Washington DC to Chicago. US Air, 1996. We got caught in a crazy violent storm that came out of nowhere. The turbulence was making the plane drop 5–6 feet and came in waves. At some point the flight attendants asked everyone to lower their shades as we headed in for the landing. People were screaming and crying with every drop and roll. I was holding onto my seat as the plane descended and decided to peek out the window. As I opened the shade I saw the lights of the runway right out my window. Not to the side, right in front. That meant we were coming in for a landing SIDEWAYS.

The screams intensified as we neared the ground. We bounced along the runway, and the plane made a horrible noise as we finally skidded to a stop.

Finally, silence.

Pilot comes on the intercom: “Ta-da!”

The Ambidextrous Golfer

A  group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One got transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round.. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m.  He figured the early tee-time would discourage her.
The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and, playing right-handed, beat all three of them with an eye-opening two-under-par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady again played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.  The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The guys thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"


She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.
“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”
The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”
“My wife”, he replied.

The difference between Liberal and Labor/Greens. A young woman was about to finish her first year of university.  Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very labor minded, and she was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs – in other words, the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch blue-ribbon liberal, a feeling she openly expressed.  Based on the lectures that she had attended, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harboured an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth, and she indicated so to her father.  He responded by asking how she was doing at university. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 90% average, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew.  She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many university friends because she spent all her time studying. Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?”  She replied, “Audrey is barely getting by.  All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 50% average.  She is so popular on campus; university for her is a blast.  She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.”

Her wise father asked his daughter, “Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 20% off your average and give it to your friend who only has 50%.  That way you will both have a 70% average, and certainly that would be fair and equal.”   The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, “That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair!  I've worked really hard for my grades!  I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work!  Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree.  She played while I worked my tail off!”

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to the Liberal side of the fence.”

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So he asked his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.
'Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?'
'Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comicland.
Why don't you try her?' replied Batman
'I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends.
So I don't really want to take advantage of  her.'
'Damn shame.' said Batman as he waved  goodbye to Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green Lantern. 'Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in comicland?'
'Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best lay in comicland, why don't you try her?'
'Well, we're sort of friends,' Superman said, 'but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much.' and  he flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw
Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart.
Superman was tempted. He thought to himself, 'I'm faster  than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of  there before she even knows I'm here.' So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone.
Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. 
'What the hell was that??' she exclaimed.
'I don't know,' said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, 'but my ARSE is killing  me.'

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

How a marriage works

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .. So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face..I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fuck ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't fucking going anywhere!   Got it, Arsehole?'
So he stayed home......................and, they lived happily ever after.
Now, isn't that a sweet story?

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
 
Horrified, the golfer got his water bo! ttle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'
And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year ! goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I jus! t reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and say! s shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the  No. 10.Downing Street
One is an English worker , another is a Scottish worker , and the third is an Indian worker .
All three go with a No.10 official to examine the fence.
The English contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says,"I figure the job will run to about £500:-  £200 for materials, £200 for my crew and £100 profit for me."
The Scottish contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £600: £250 for materials, £250 for my crew and £100 profit for me."
The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the No. 10 official and whispers, "£1500."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Indian contractor whispers back, "£500 for me, £500 for you, and we hire the English contractor to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes). Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds.Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read ... This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and  shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.  Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. 'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had  lifted,  he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome  hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.  Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

Little old lady in the naughty shop 

Get ready to laugh 
The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll remember this story.
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she askes the sales clerk: 'Dddooo youuuu hhhave ddddiillldosss?'
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing replies 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.'
The old lady then asks: 'Ddddoooo yyyouuuu cccarrry aaa pppinnkk oonnee, ttteeennn iincches lllong aaanndd aabbbooouutt ttwwoo iincchess tthiicck...aaand rruuns bbby bbbaatteerrieeess? '
The clerk responds: 'Yes we do.'
She asks: 'Ddddooo yyyoouuu kknnooww hhhooww tttooo ttuuurrnn tthhe sssunnoffaaabbiittch offff?

> Painting the Porch

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first mansion, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Jack Daniels Fishing Story
I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, And carried on my fishing with the frog.
A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.   'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

Bill worked in a pickle factory. 
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. 
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. 
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'

A CATTLE DOG STORY

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said "Julia,I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters". "Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Julia.

"Well", said Rudd, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats,some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattledog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback
country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush".

"Right" said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set
off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at
just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.
They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

"G'day mate", said Rudd to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer".

"Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

"Tell me" said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"
"Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes"..

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. 
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. 
So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. 
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.
When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. 
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself.
He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. 
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank goodness for mobile phones!). 
'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company.
It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?' 
'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.' Have a nice day.....  

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. 
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. 
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'  

An elderly gentleman... .. 
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% 
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' 
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!' 

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. 
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' 
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.. 

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' 
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. 
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.' 
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' 
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? 
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' 

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Morris,an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'
'The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' 

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty ..' 

A little known fact...

The first testicular guard (box) was used in cricket in 1874 and . . . . the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for cricketers to realize that the brain is also important.

Three old guys are out walking. 
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' 
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.' 

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!' 
'Do I know her?' 
'Nope!' 
'This woman, is she good looking?' 
'Not really.' 
'Is she a good cook?' 
'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 
'Does she have lots of money?' 
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 
'I don't know.' 
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!' 

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. 
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 
'Sure..' 
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 
'No, I can remember it.' 
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so  a s not to forget it?' 
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. ' 
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. 
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' 
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,  The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

The Postman One Monday morning the Postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times...

SCROTUM MIRACLE Last Sunday, the pastor asked if anyone in the  congregation would like to express praise for answered  prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I  have a Praise.

Marriage Counselling

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. 

She went on and on and on - neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said “this is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

CATHOLIC SHAMPOO

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler.
One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."
"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."

The 11^th Husband.... 

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin". 

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?" 

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. 

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. 

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. 

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. 

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. 

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. 

"Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it. 

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it. --- God I miss him. 

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". 
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? 

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT".. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED!

A DEDICATED WIFE

Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.

While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, 'I'm a  Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know ... ''Young, Urban,  Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''

The second guy says, 'I'm a  D.I.N.K.Y, you know... "Double Income, No Kids  Yet."

The third guy says, 'I'm a  R.U.B., you know... ''Rich, Urban,  Biker."

The fourth guy says, I am a  D.I.L.D.O, you know ... "Double Income, Little Dog  Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her.  ''What are you?''  

She replies: 'I'm a W.I.F.E,  you know ... "Washing, Ironing, Fu**ing , Etc"

Fire drill in Singapore A fire alarm rang at 4 PM when almost all shift employees are in office (approx 5,000). As usual entire office was evacuated within 3 mins & every employee gathered outside office.

After 15 minutes a Security Officer started the Announcement: "Dear Employees - With melting heart I am making this announcement that for many of you it will be a last evacuation drill. Due to the recession we are laying off almost 50% of employees. While moving in if your ID card does not work, then you are among those laid off & all your belongings will be couriered to you tomorrow.

We followed this approach as we didn't want to fill email box size with layoff mails and good bye mails in thousands & also to avoid any fight inside office.

Hope you have nice career ahead. Please move in & try your luck".

THE VETERINARIAN 
 
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
  
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by Curiosity, approached her.
  
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
  
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
  
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
  
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
  
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
  
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
  
"That's an honourable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
  
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '

WHY THERE ARE NO MALE ADVICE COLUMNISTS

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbors daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six  months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps!
Walter

A Northern Territory aboriginal farm-hand radios back to the farm manager.
'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here.
I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's ok but he's stuck in the bull bar at the front of my ute and is wriggling & squealing so much I cannot get him out'.
The manager says 'OK there's a 303 behind the seat. Take it out and shoot the pig in the head & you'll be able to remove him'. Five minutes later the farm hand calls back. 'I did as you said boss. Took the 303 and shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars.
No problem there, but I still can't go on.'
'Now what's the problem?' raged the manager.
'Well Boss, it's his motor bike. The back wheel and the flashing blue light is wedged under the right front wheel arch..................... ? Boss, you there boss???????

HISTORICAL ORIGIN OF 'GIVING THE FINGER!"

The English longbow (6 ft long) was made of native English Yew.
The men who used the longbow were renounced for their skill and accuracy and were to be feared in battle.
The middle finger was used to draw the bow-string and the act of drawing was known as -
"Plucking the Yew"

Before the Battle of Agincourt 1415 ad. the French, anticipating a victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers, so it would be impossible for them to fight with the longbow again.
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major battle, and the soldiers began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French and shouting,
"See! We can still pluck yew!" and "Pluck yew!!!!"

Over the years, folk etymologies have grown up around this symbolid gesture.
Since "Pluck yew" is a bit difficult to say -- like "Pleasant mother pheasant plucker -- and you had to go to the pheasant for the feathers used on arrows for the longbow --the PL gradually got changed to F, and thus the words often used with the one-finger salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with sex.
Also, because of the pheasant feathers on arrows, the symbolic gesture is also known as "Giving the bird!"

INTERESTING FOOTNOTE
Although it is usually thought that the longbow was an exclusive English invention, it was actually used in ancient Egypt three or four thousand years ago. In Cairo and Luxor Museums, there are magnificent specimens, and many depictions of it's use on monuments and in tombs.

2nd grade teacher had been teaching for about 15  years...this is her story...It was in my second grade class .  
A few years back  when I was a kid, I loved Show-and-Tell.  
So I always have sessions  with my students.  
It helps them get over shyness and usually Show and Tell is pretty tame.  
Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.  
If they want to lug it to school and talk about it they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and
waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant.
"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I am going to tell you about his birthday."

First Mum and Dad made him as a symbol of their love.  And then Dad put a seed in my mother's stomach and Luke grew in there.  He ate for nine months through the umbrella cord."

She's  standing with her hands over the pillow. and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.
The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then about 2 sundays ago, my mum started saying and going, "Oh, oh,oh"
Erica puts her hands behind her back and groans.
"She walked around the house for, like an hour, "Oh, oh, oh"

Now this kid is doing an hysterical duck-walk and groaning."My Dad calls the Middle Wife.  
She delivers babies but she doesn't have a sign on her car  like the Domino's man.  
They got Mum to lie down in bed like this.  
Then Erica lies down  with her back against the wall.
"And then, POP!...My Mum had this bag of water  she kept in there in case he got thirsty.  
And it just blew up all over the bed like .pssshheew!"

This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands is miming the water flowing away.
It was too much! ""Then the midfdle wife starts saying 'push-push' and 'breathe-breathe.'
They started counting but never got past ten.
Then, all of a sudden out comes my brother.  
He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mum's play centre!.. so there must be an awful  lot of
stuff in there."

Then Erica stood up, took a theatrical bow and went back to her  seat.  
I'm sure i applauded the loudest.  
Ever since, if it's  show-and tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along

PRICELESS! Louisiana Title Search

New Orleans residents are challenged often with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, making it quite difficult to establish ownership.

Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client that I thought was absolutely priceless!!

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

(Actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title.
While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(Actual letter): "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana.
God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn
loan?"

The loan was approved.

IN GOD WE TRUST!

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus. SUCCESS: At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants. Take the time to live!!!

Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father.
I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?  (YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! ) The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.

Underwear Is Important Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working Under your vehicle.
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart,
only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back out of site. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
one old love she can imagine going back to...and one who reminds her how far she has come... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a youth she's content to leave behind... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age.... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a set of screwdrivers, cordless drill, and a black lace bra... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a feeling of control over her destiny... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job, break up with a lover,  and confront a friend without ruining the friendship... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder...and when to walk away.. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...be it to her best friend's kitchen table...or a charming inn in the woods...when her soul needs soothing... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day...a month...and a year...

True Australian Ghost Story This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it  sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.  John Bradford, a  Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in  the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by.  The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.  Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and  stopped.  John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on! The car started moving slowly.  John looked at the road and saw a  curve approaching. 
Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. 
John, paralysed with terror, watched how  the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. 
John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength,  jumped out of the car and ran to it. 
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. 
He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realised he was crying and....wasn't drunk. About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub.
They were also wet and out of breath. 
Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to  the other, Look, Bruce..  here's the bloody idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting.... Please scroll down Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languagis disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.
Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

BODY MEETING: All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? The asshole is usually in charge !! If you don't send this to at least 8 people....who gives a S-T!!!

To: Father John's Bath ---- Typical It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved." Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun. Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, “And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years."

A Christmas tale to warm your hearts...
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed in shaky handwriting to "God". With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension.  Yesterday someone stole my purse.  It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had in the world and no pension due until after Christmas. Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for Xmas dinner. 
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.  I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God; can you please help me?" The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked. The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets and had a whip round.
Between them they raised £96. Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done. Christmas came and went.  A few days later, another letter simply addressed to "God" landed in the Sorting Office.  Many of the postmen gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? 
Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends.  We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it and our Vicar is beside himself with joy. By the way, there was £4 missing.  I think it must have been those thieving bast*rds at the Post Office."

A Love Story I will seek and find you . . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.  I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days. All my love, The Flu

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered ..."Thou shall not kill."

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,  "They will in a minute."

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old girl dressed in nothing but a pair of  Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later,
Huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me"
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does he gives it to her hard until all he can do is wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.  He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 50lb.program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative.
"This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." SCROLL DOWN The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge, black hairy male standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

One afternoon a man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller's tent.
Thinking it would be good for a laugh, the man went inside and sat down.
"Ah..." said the woman as she gazed into her  crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully.
"I'm the father of three children."
The mysterious psychic grinned and said, "That's what you think!"

Lipstick At School According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat, as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of  the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy.

Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was having affairs with his patients?

Yup, it's a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country!

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son.
"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for  the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud.
You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut." The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that  Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 kph over) I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a crest. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me,
"What's the hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop said "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a hill..." The ticket - - $ 195.00 The look on his face - - PRICELESS

SEX IN THE DARK
There was this couple that had been married for 20
years. Every time they made love the husband always
insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
 She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the
middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she
turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her
husband was holding a battery-operated leisure
device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard,"
She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all
of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day. Alice says to Frank,
"You know we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico."
Frank thinks this is a great idea,
so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration,
so Alice jumps.
She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up,
Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again.
This time, she is bruised and bleeding.
Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up.
This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got
a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says,
"What happened?
Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was
fine...it was the crowd!....
What the H E L L is a piñata?!"

Women, Wine & Hair

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a
Particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for A couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money,
will you buy some wine with it instead of Dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman Asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping" the homeless woman said. "I need to Spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman Asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done In 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with
You for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty Disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a Woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and Wine."

**Have a good day!!!**

The Sex Fairy
This is hilarious! Be sure to read the warning at the bottom. I didn't change a word! I'm not messing with the Sex Fairy!
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
=============
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. 
The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
=============
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that
romantic dinner.
=============
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. 
It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. 
It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
=============
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. 
It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you 
with a feeling of well-being.
=============
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. 
The sexuallyactive body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.
These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
=============
7 . Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. 
IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
=============
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. 
Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
=============
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. 
A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
=============
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. 
Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
=============

This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. 
The original isin a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. 
It has been sent around the world nine times. 
Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on.

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school: she usually slept through class.
One day the teacher tried to catch little April out to see if she was paying attention in class.
She called on her while she was napping:
"Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, Little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear.
GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?"
But April didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very Good. And April fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had had their twenty-third child?"
And again Johnny jabbed her with the pen.
This time April jumped up and shouted, if you stick that f###ing thing in me one more time, i'll break it in half and stick it up you're a#se!" The teacher fainted.

Delia's Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

The Real Woman's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake.
You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Delia's Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Woman's Way
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

Delia's Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead
and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Woman's Way
Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

Delia's Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in  a potato slice.

The Real Woman's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh* t.
Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and
I don't care how bad it tastes."

Delia's Way
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks

The Real Woman's Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?

Delia's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.

The Real Woman's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka.
Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you wont give a sh*t?

Delia's Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Woman's Way
Why do I have a man? Finally the most important tip

Delia's Way
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles

The Real Woman'sWay
Left over wine???? Hello!!!!!

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

No cheating.
If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose?
Pick your dessert, then look to see what Psychiatrists think about you!


Angel Food Cake
Brownies
Lemon Meringue
Vanilla cake with Chocolate Icing
Strawberry Short Cake
Chocolate on Chocolate
Ice Cream
Carrot Cake
 
NO. You can't change your mind once you scroll down!
So think carefully what your choice will be!

OK - Now that you've made your choice, scroll down to see what research says about you!


ANGEL FOOD CAKE... Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items.
A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end
of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.


BROWNIES... You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a
champion of under dogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you
whip out your sabre. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of
humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.


LEMON MERINGUE... Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an
excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk
and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have
many friends.


VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING... Fun-loving, sassy,
humorous. Not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation.
Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should
be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.


STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE... Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other
people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt. You
can be overly emotional and annoying at times.


CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE... Sexy; always ready to give and receive. Very
creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You can
appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside.Not afraid to
take chances.
Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.


ICE CREAM... You like sports, whether it be baseball, football,
basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate,
but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote
control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.


CARROT CAKE... You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You
are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm
hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo, and he doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is Still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but he
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,
but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets n the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the f*****g Pope as a chauffeur!!"

HE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half-wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes.
Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, Very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia. A glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe. Ruled by a dick.

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money.
Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Seamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Seamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in?
We haven't got any money!!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.
Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Seamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o' this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"

Why is Betadine like Al-Qaeda?  They are both antiseptic solutions.

Brain Teasers
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? - 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? - Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? - Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? - November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? - Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? - Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? - Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? - Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? - New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? - Orange

Ramblings of a retired mind
* I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that   everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm   wearing my garage door opener.
* You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't    like me anyway. * I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer   cans. * I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it   "Pumping Rust."
 * I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is   falling into your drawers
 * Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The brain explained that since he controlled all parts of the body, he should be boss.

The legs argued that since they took the man where ever he wanted to go, they should be boss.

The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all of the food, he should be boss.

The eyes said that without them, man would be helpless, so they should be boss.

Then the asshole applied for the job.

The other parts of the body laughed that hard that the asshole became mad and closed up.

After a few days the brain went foggy, the legs went wobbly, the stomach got ill, the eyes crossed and were unable to see.

They all conceded and made the asshole boss.

This proves that you don't have to be a brain to be boss......

Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

A: The taste.

A man decides to give his a wife a picture of his bum for their wedding anniversary in order to spice up their romance. He gives her the photo and asks her what she thinks. She says, "It's a nice picture of you, but your tie is crooked."

A guy walks into a Dentist's office.

He says, "Dr. I think I have a problem. I think I'm a moth."

The Doctor replies, "You probably need to see a psychiatrist, not a dentist."

The guy says, "I understand."

The Doctor says, "Then why did you come here?"

The guy says, "Your light was on."

Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So the eight year old says to the six year old, "Okay, you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell.'" All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight year old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" "I dunno," quivers the six year old, but you can bet year ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."

Q: Why did Michael Jackson hurry over to K-Mart?
A: He heard that little boys' pants were half off.

Monday afternoon at work, Jack gets curious about what his wife is cooking for dinner, so he calls home to get the details.

The phone rings and the little girl picks up the phone.

"Hey sweetie, is your Mom there?"

"No she is upstairs with Uncle Frank and their naked!"

"Honey, you don't have an Uncle Frank,"

"Yes I do Daddy, he is upstairs naked with Mommy,"

"Well this is what I want you to do. You tell Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled in the driveway and you get back on the phone and tell me what they did."

"Okay, Daddy."

After about 5 minutes, the little girl gets back on the phone to relay what went down.

"Daddy! Mom jumped out the window and she's dead! And Uncle Jack jumped out the other window, but he must of forgot that you let all the water out of the pool and he is at the bottom dead too!"

"Pool? What pool? Wait a minute....is this 555-7902?"

4 old Jewish ladies are eating brunch at their favourite restaurant in Long Island. The waiter comes up to them and asks, "Is anything all right?"

why the women always watch porn movies until the end ?


Because they think at the end everyone's going to get married...

two good friends decided to go out without their husbands. on their way home, they have a urgent need to do. they go to a cemetery, because they didn't find any quieter place to do it. Unfortunately, they can't find anything to wipe themselves. So one used her panties, while the other used a note from a funeral crown.

The day after, the two husbands are talking together :"You know i think yesterday our wives have been up to something. Mine came back without panties !

-Oh, that's nothing ! mine came back with a sticker on her ass written "We'll never forget you" !

A billionaire decides to make a huge party for his 50th birthday in his garden with bar, swimming-pool,etc. He invites all his neighbours, and he invites Ahmed as well, the only arab in the neighbourhood. So the party is on, champagne, petits fours, everything is great. Then the billionaire says :"I'll give 1 million euros to the first person who dares to fight the alligator
who is in the swimming-pool". The sentence wasn't finished yet that Ahmed is in the water
fighting for a make or break war with the alligator. After 10 minutesn of fighting, Ahmed kills the alligator. The billionaire arrives :
"Ok Ahmed, i'll give you the million euros.
-I don't want the money !
-What do you want ? My porsche, so take the keys.
-I don't want your porsche !
-Do you want my golden rolex ? come on take it !
-I don't want your watch !!
-So what do you want ??
-I want the name of the asshole who pushed me in the water !!!

You're in Washington DC, while the city is in chaos, provoked by the terrible terrorists attacks that carried war time. You're a CNN photographer, you're working constantly, doing your duty and taking a lot of risks. Suddenly, you see George W. Bush, running, trying to escape from the chase of an awful terrorist. He's going to be caught by the armed man, but you can use your mobile phone, and warn the FBI to save him, or you could take the picture who'll give you the Pulitzer price, the murder of a famous man. So based on your moral and ethic principles, on the fraternity and human solidarity, what would you do :
Would you take the picture in colour or black and white ?

There was this ole Indian that owned a nice looking Sorrel Gelding that he kept in his pasture next to the highway.

One day a white man was driving by and noticed this prize horse. He pulled into the driveway at this ole Indian's place and said "Who owns that beautiful horse grazing along the side the highway?"

The ole Indian said, "Me."

"I'll give you $500 right now for him!" said the white man.

"No, he is not for sale... He don't look so good," stated the Skin.

"What do you mean he don't look so good, he looks fine to me.
Tell you what, I'll give you $750 for him right now, Indian!"

"No," said the ole fella, "He don't look so good."

"$1000 then, take it or leave it, old timer!" the white man huffed.

"OK, but I tell you, he don't look so good!" replied the ole man as he made the deal.

A few days past when all of a sudden that white guy came to the ole man's house once again. He got out of the truck, his head was all bandaged up, grabbed his crutches and hopped up to the ole guys porch.

"WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU INDIAN, YOU SOLD ME A BLIND HORSE!" Shouted the white man.

"I told you he don't look so good!"

Do you know why the witches never wear underwear ?

To have a better grip on the stick....

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