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Jokes & Stories for February

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I've just found out I can still have sex at 74!
I am so happy because I live at 68,
so it's not far to walk home .. . . Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked the wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the bloody jar open.'

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
Nice bike, the cop said did Santa bring it to you?
Yep, the little girl said, he sure did!
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?
Yes, he sure did, chuckled the cop..
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, Next year tell Santa the  dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Early this year, some Air New Zealand employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Rescue Helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.  They are no longer employed at Air New Zealand.

A man, wanting to rob a Bank of New Zealand, walked into the Branch and wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the Westpac Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller.

She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of New Zealand deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Westpac withdrawal slip or go back to Bank of New Zealand. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of New Zealand.  

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the Counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the licence.  They arrested the robber two hours later.

A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!'

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.  He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.  So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious.

It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger.  She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'   His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked her rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?' I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. 'Why?' my daughter asked.
'Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's  dirty, and probably has germs,' I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked 'Mum, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.'
I was thinking quickly and replied, 'All mums know this stuff. It's on the Mum Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mum.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
'Oh....I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to  be the dad.'
'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face

Blonde Cook Book

Monday

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper

Wednesday

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

Friday

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten. 

Sunday 

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

 

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.  
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was Uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the  surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,Yelled one final  'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the Service-station attendant.
"Nothing," the woman answered.  "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I Wouldn't fall off..."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use  saddles."

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.
'Twenty dollars,” she whispers.
Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides -- what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going at it for a couple of minutes when ,  all of a sudden ,  a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer. 'I'm making love to me wife,' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm so sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.' 

'Well, needer did I,' says Paddy, 'til ya shoined dat light in her face!!!”

The Pope and Tiger woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven..                                                     
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".
Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell                                                              
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat                   
"Sorry about the mix up", apologies the Pope "No problem" replied Tiger Woods,                                                 Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"                    
Tiger: "Why is that?"                                            
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"  
Tiger: "You're a day late"

Sue Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby..  The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian,WHITE baby boy.


'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.

Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?' 


The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,

so I think we will name him... 


Are you ready for this?

Sum Ting Wong 

Irish Password Protection!

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password: 

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin  

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied''Bejazus! are yez stupid?  Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''What’s Really in a Viagra pill

I knew it...... I just knew it! I knew that Pfizer would eventually release the formula for Viagra!

          3% Vitamin E
          2% Aspirin
          2% Ibuprofen
          1% Vitamin C
          5% Spray Starch
          87% Fix-A-Flat Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside. Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma. During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'. Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crime watch is being shown 5 times a week now. I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends? I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits. I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, 
And every year Ken would say, 
'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter' 
Edna always replied, 
'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, 
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks' 

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old. 

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance' 
To this, Edna replied, 
"Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks' 

The pilot overheard the couple and said,'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! 
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' 

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went. 

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. 
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word... 
When they landed, the pilot turned to  Ken and said, 
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. 
I'm impressed!' 

Ken replied, 

'Well, to tell you the truth,  I almost said something when Edna fell out, 
But you know,"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!' Indian Mystery revealed

Finally someone has cleared this up for me...

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the
Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true story..

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union..
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he
has won:-
A - Taxi licence in Adelaide
B - Convenience store in Melbourne
C- Service station in Perth,
D- Kebab shop in Brisbane
E- Take away cafe in Sydney

 

If there is nothing there, he must take a job in India answering telephones
giving technical advice to Telstra and Optus customers in Australia.

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon.

Bloody good value that!

A woman went to a pet shop & immediatelyspotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. 'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some inappropriate stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit taken back at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were offended at first but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,'Hi, Keith!'

UP & DOWN SEX
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,  'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt  and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe  what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so  he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day,  riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!' 

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown...

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
 
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply  couldn't let such a comment go  unrewarded.The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
  
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'
  
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder;  it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you see me rob this bank?' The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.' The robber then shot him in the Temple , killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'

Men can be such Bastards.

The Global Facts ... 

At Any Given Moment: 

79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now. 

58,000,000 are kissing. 

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

1 lonely bugger is reading e-mails. 

You hang in there sunshine!

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.


'Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to  elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your

many grandchildren.


Love, your son, Nicholas.


“ P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than

the school report that's on my desk”
I love you!



Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Baby's First Doctor Visit. 

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
Waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
Checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
Asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk.'

I know, she said ,

I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came .'

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to  fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between "potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo. At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar.

At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a tried to treata her nice, spenda the money on her, but best is that I tooka her to Italy for our 25th anniversary!"

The Priest responded,"Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go back and get her."

Involuntary Muscular Contractions 

 

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know  what your asshole is doing, while you're having an orgasm?'  

 

She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'  

 

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom......... 1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mum, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
 
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents..'

3) TOMATO SAUCE
A woman was trying hard to get the Tomato Sauce out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?'  'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoelace?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my Canine partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the footpath in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.'

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found, ' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

The Little Blue Man

A truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a standstill, rolls down the window, and asks the little yellow man what's wrong.

"I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry," sobs the little man.

"Well," says the trucker, "I can offer you a cheese sandwich, but that's as much as I can do."  So he passes a sandwich to the little yellow man and drives off.

A bit later he has to stop again, because there's a little red man in the middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and a bit more impatiently - asks the little red man what the matter is.

"I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty," the little man bawls.

So the trucker says, "I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as can do."  He hands a can of Coke down to the little red man and drives off.

A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road. Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps, "Yes, you little blue poof, what planet are you from and what the f#?K do you want?"

And the little blue man answers, "Your driver's licence, please...". A Boss Who Tells It Like It Is

Date: Wed, 21 Jan 2009

To All My Valued Employees,

There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good news is this: The economy doesn't pose a threat to your job. What does threaten your job; however, is the changing political landscape in this country.

However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help you decide what is in your best interests.

First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is a back story. This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Subaru Outback outside. You've seen my big home at last year's Christmas party. I'm sure all these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealised thoughts about my life.

However, what you don't see is the back story.

I started this company 28 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 2 bedroom flat for 3 years. My entire living area was converted into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which by the way, would eventually employ you.

My diet consisted of baked beans, stew and soup because every dollar I spent went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a wonky transmission. I didn't have time to go out with women. Often times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I was married to my business -- hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.

Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a modest $50,000 a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes. Instead of hitting David Jones for the latest hot fashion item, I was trolling through the discount stores extracting any clothing item that didn't look like it was birthed in the 70's. My friends refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury. I, however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into a business with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had.

So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9am, mentally check in at about noon, and then leave at 5pm, I don't. There is no "off" button for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to my hip like a 1 year old special-needs child. You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden -- the nice house, the Subaru, the vacations... you never realise the back story and the sacrifices I've made.

Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy who made all the right decisions and saved his money, have to bail-out all the people who didn't. The people that overspent their pay suddenly feel entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for.

Yes, business ownership has its benefits but the price I've paid is steep and not without wounds.

Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you, is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell you why:


I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don't pay enough. I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes. Payroll taxes. Workers compensation. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire an accountant to manage all these taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most of my time.. On Oct 15th, I wrote a cheque to the Australian tax Office for $288,000 for quarterly taxes. You know what my "stimulus" cheque was? Zero. Zip. Zilch.

The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare cheque? Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic stimulus of this country.

The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your pay you'd quit and you wouldn't work here. I mean, why should you? That's nuts. Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why your job is in jeopardy.

Here is what many of you don't understand ... to stimulate the economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had the government suddenly mandated to me that I didn't need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of depositing that $288,000 into the Canberra black-hole, I would have spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic growth. My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in the form of promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now.

When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don't defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the heart of Australia and always has been. To restart it, you must stimulate it, not kill it. But the power brokers in Canberra believe the poor of Australia are the essential drivers of the Australian economic engine. Nothing could be further from the truth and this is the type of change you can keep.

So where am I going with all this?

It's quite simple.

If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be swift and simple. I fire you. I fire your co-workers. You can then plead with the government to pay for your mortgage, your 4WD and your child's future. Frankly, it isn't my problem any more.

Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and retire. You see, I'm done. I'm done with a country that penalises the productive and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship.

So, if you lose your job, it won't be at the hands of the economy; it will be at the hands of politicians who swept through this country and changed its financial landscape forever. If that happens, you can find me sitting on a beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about....

Signed,

Your boss

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response
 
Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious- looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina   This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be pants down.

'And you thought your first date was embarrassing' was Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Russell Crowe flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play rugby league and Is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come Over to South Sydney ..  He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season.

Two weeks later Rabbits are down 10 nil  to Easts with only 10 minutes left.

The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in.  
The kid is A sensation - scores 3  tries in 10 minutes and wins the game for South Sydney !

The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star.

When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of Australian Rugby League.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 10 Nil down, but I scored 3 tries and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the Media...
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got Shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, Raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all While you were having such great time.'

The young Iraqi is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'
'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to Redfern in The first place!'
  When you have an 'I Hate My Job day' (Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days)
Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson.'

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat,' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(You gotta love this) ....

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.' A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon  Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7.. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You  were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.' 
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.' Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find  North  America .
MARIA: Here itis.
TEACHER:America ?
CLASS:Maria.

TEACHER:   John,why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:         You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER:      Glenn, how do you spell  'crocodile?'
GLENN:         K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:      No,  that's wrong
GLENN:         Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.  

(I  Love this kid)

TEACHER:    Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:    What are you talking about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.  

TEACHER:    Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me!

TEACHER:     Glen, wh do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:          Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.  

TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting  with ' I.'
MILLIE:        I  is..
TEACHER:     No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.'
MILLIE:        All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'    

TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:        Because George still had the axe in his hand.    

TEACHER:     Now,Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:         No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.  

TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy  his?
CLYDE:        No, sir. It's the same dog.  

TEACHER:   Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:     A teacher ! A man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.
The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion;
"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel.
That will help your wife fantasise, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."
They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.
Perplexed, they go back to the therapist "Okay" he says, "let's try it reversed.
Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, orgasm.
Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him triumphantly.... "NOW THAT'S how you wave a f ***ing towel, son!!"One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to
see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all. " "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids. "

> "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself, "

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"  
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine "

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same
2. There are no dental records. Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery, " he answered.  
"What did he say," asked the nurse."OOPS!"

There was a man who had worked hard all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
He got his wife to promise faithfully that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he eventually died. There he was, stretched out in the casket, with his wife sitting in the front pew dressed in black, accompanied by her friend sitting next to her. When they had finished the ceremony, the undertakers came forward to close the casket.
At that moment, the wife called out in a loud voice, "Wait just a minute......please!"
As she rose, she had a box with her. She came over to the casket and placed the box along side her deceased husband's body in the casket.
The undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
Her friend turned to the deceased's wife and said, "Girl, surely you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband?!"
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a good honest Christian......I can't go back on my word.
I promised my husband that I was going to put that money in that casket with him and that is what I have done."
Her friend gasped, "You mean to tell me you put all that money in the casket with him?!!!"
"I sure did......every penny," said the wife. "I collected it all together, put it into my bank account and wrote him a cheque.
If he can cash it, he can spend it."A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. 'Wonderful. Whit part is it? 'she asks The boy says, 'I play the part of the Scottish
husband. The mother scowls and says, 'Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!One day the Primary 1 teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the First pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said F*** me! A talking pig!'" 
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes!A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, Waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight found it somewhat below
normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning
to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk !"
I know," she said, "ah'm his Granny, but I'm glad I came!"A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before, find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, hey both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm freezing and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea let's kid-on wur married.
"Why not," giggles the woman. "Good", he replies. "Get yur ain blanket".This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
Whit wis that fur?" he cries. "That wis for the piece
of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she. Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the
horses I bet on." She seemed satisfied ;apologised, and went off to do the housework.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around, he "whit the hell wis that fur?"
"Your horse phoned!"First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off.
The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning madam. I've come to......"
Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! My specialty is babies."
That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
Photographer - "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!" 
Wife - "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
Photographer - "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." 
Wife - "My, my, that's a lot of ...."
Photographer - "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." 
Wife (muttering)- "Don't I know it,"
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
Photographer - "This was done on the top of a bus."
Wife - "Oh my god!!"
Photographer - "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." 
Wife - "She was difficult ?"
Photographer - "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Wife - "Four and five deep?" (eyes widened in amazement)
Photographer - "Yes, and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." 
Wife (leaning forward) - "You mean they actually chewed on your um..equipment?"
Photographer - "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"

Wife - "Tripod??
Photographer - "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam?... .

Good Lord, she's fainted!!" Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.  One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude:  What in the hell is that?
Mable:  A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude:  Where did you get it?
Mable:  You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.A woman was walking down the street when a man approached her.
The man said, " I want to have SEX with you right now!
I'll drop 500 dollars dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will  have my way with you from behind and be on my way.
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute.
She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.
Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down.
Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back.
"What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said "That Son-Of-A-Bi#ch had $500 in 20 cent pieces.!"A Greenie runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman.

As you would expect, the Greenie is an arrogant b..tard who thinks that he is smarter than the cop because of his education and training.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense.
Cop says, "Licence, please." Greenie says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Greenie says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License, please." 
Greenie says, "What's the difference?"
Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. Licence, please!"
Greenie says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and you give me the fine, if not you let me go and no fine.
Cop says, "Okay, get out of your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes out his baton and starts beating the cr*p out of the Greenie and says:

"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
May the sun always shine on your window pane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.Here is everything that you wanted to know about marketing:

You see a gorgeous girl at a party; you go up to her and say 
"I'm fantastic in bed".
That's Direct Marketing.

One of your friends goes up to her, points at you and says 
"He's fantastic in bed"
That's Advertising.

You go up to her and get her number. The next day you call and say" 
Hi, I'm fantastic in bed"
That's Telemarketing.

You straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride,
and then say "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed".
That's Public Relations.

She walks up to you and says "I hear you're fantastic in bed"
That's Brand Recognition. A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near the outback. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. So he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "What the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that cow's bum, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry Sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs."

"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must Chase Chicks, Drink Piss, and listen to Bull-shit. This is an actual extract from a sex education school textbook for girls, printed in the early 60's in the UK.

When retiring to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. 
Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night. 
When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. 
If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be led by your husband's wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy.
Should your husband suggest congress then agree humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's. 
When he reaches his moment of fulfillment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.
Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face and hair care products.
You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning.
This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks.
The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in, looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope  left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky-and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. Finally, one man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask: "Why does the male brain cost so much more?" The doctor smiled at his childish innocence, and so, to the entire group he said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT. "THE POO FILE"

GHOST POO - You know you've poo'd. There's poo on the toilet paper, but none in the toilet.

TEFLA COATED POO - comes out so slick and clean that you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.

GOOEY POO - This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe 12 times and you still don't come out clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain them. This poo leaves a permanent skid mark in the toilet.

SECOND THOUGHT POO - you're all done wiping and you're about to stand up when you realise ... there's more where that came from.

POP VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD POO - This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, 'trembling and purple' from straining so hard.

WEIGHT WATCHERS POO - You poo so much you lose several kilograms.

RIGHT NOW POO - You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to it. Usually its tip is out before you can get your pants down.

KING KONG OR GODZILLA POO - This is so big that you know it won't go down. You know you'll have to break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of poo usually happens at someone else's house or WORK!

CORK POO (ALSO KNOWN AS FLOATERS) -Even after the third flush it's still floating. How does one get rid of it???

WET CHEEKS POO - This poo hits the water side-ways and makes a big 'SPLASH' that gets you all wet.

WISH POO - You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times ... but no poo.

GARLIC AND BAKED BEANS POO - Normally your poo doesn't smell too bad...but this one is BAD.. Usually this one happens at someone else's house or WORK and there is someone outside to use the bathroom

MEXICAN FOOD POO (ALSO CALLED SCREAMERS) - You'll know it's all-right to eat again when your "b---" stops burning!!! Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know? Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.
Replied the widow," I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.

It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 ...please advise"

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap" When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon".
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. 
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." 
She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. 
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."I dreamed I had an interview with God.

 "Come in," God said. "So, you would like to interview Me?"
"If you have the time," I said.
God smiled and said: "My time is eternity and is enough to do everything; what questions do you have in mind to ask me?"
I said "What surprises you most about mankind?"
God answered: "That they get bored of being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again."
"That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health."
"That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future."
"That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they had never lived..."
God's hands took mine and we were silent for while and then I asked...
"As a parent, what are some of life's lessons you want your children to learn?"
God replied with a smile:
"To learn that they cannot make anyone love them. What they can do is to let themselves be loved."
"To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in their lives, but who they have in their lives."
"To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. All will be judged individually on their own merits, not as a group on a comparison basis."
"To learn that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least."
"To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in persons we love, and that it takes many years to heal them."
"To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness."
"To learn that there are persons that love them dearly, but simply do not know how to express or show their feelings"
"To learn that money can buy everything but happiness."
"To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it totally different."
"To learn that a true friend is someone who knows everything about them. ..and likes them anyway."
"To learn that it is not always enough that they be forgiven by others, but that they have to forgive themselves."
I sat there for awhile enjoying the moment. I thanked Him for his time and for all that He has done for me and my family, and He replied,
"Anytime. I'm here 24 hours a day. All you have to do is ask for me, and I'll answer."
"People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel."
"Thinking of you.....:

 PS: Pass it on to someone special in your life....just as we thought of you. A TALE OF TOMATOES

An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner.
The manager there arranges for an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says: 
You will be appointed on the scale of $30 per day. 
Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on your first day.
Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. 
To this the MS exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed. Stunned, the man leaves.
Not knowing where to turn and only having about $10 left, he decides to buy a 10kg box of tomatoes at the supermarket. 
Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early and earlier every day and going to bed late and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time.
Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards on a pick-up truck. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life assurance. 
Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order that he might forward the documentation. 
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned: 
"What, you don't even have e-mail? 
How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? 
Just imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from the very start!"
After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied: "Sure! I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft!"

Morals of the story: 
1: The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.

2: If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.

3: Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a cleaner than you are to becoming a millionaire.

4: If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already being taken to the cleaners by Microsoft. Subject: Never lie to kids

There was a guy sun bathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The little girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." And the little girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.

The police asked him what happened.

The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here. "The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?  
"After a pause, the she replied, "To him? Nothing much. I was playing with his bird and it spat at me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire! "Moral of the story..........never lie to kids. Try, Try Again

Happy with their two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters but wanting a son, a middle-aged couple decided to try one last time. After months of effort, the wife finally became pregnant, and nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his new son and was horrified to discover that the child was possibly the ugliest he had ever seen. The man went back to his wife. "There's no way I could be the father of that baby! Look at the two beautiful daughters I've had!" He glared at his wife. "Have you been fooling around on me? 
"His wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time." Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School.

Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher a Nun called on her while she was napping. "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe? 
"When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair behind her, took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary and the Nun said, "Very good" and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the Nun asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again,  little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.  "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the Nun said. "Very Good" and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the Nun asked Mary a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" 
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Nun fainted...... Irish News
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small, 2 seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in Central Ireland.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the night. The mind bogglesWhether I think I can, or think I can't - I'm probably rightIf I always do
What I've always done
I'll always get
What I've always hadI found Jesus there. (tissue needed! )
"Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began, "I'll open up your heart..."
 "You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted.
 The surgeon looked up, annoyed. 
"I'll cut your heart open," he continued,  "to see how much damage has been done..." 
"But when you open up my heart, you'll find Jesus in there." The surgeon looked to the parents, who sat quietly. 
"When I see how much damage has been done, I'll sew your heart and chest back up and I'll plan what to do next." 
"But you'll find Jesus in my heart. 
The Bible says He lives there.
The hymns all say He lives there. 
You'll find Him in my heart." The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell you what I'll find in your heart.  I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply, and weakened vessels. And I'll find out if I can make you well."

"You'll find Jesus there too. He lives there."

 The surgeon left.
The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery, "...damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration.
No hope for transplant, no hope for cure.
 Therapy: painkillers and bed rest. 
Prognosis:, " here he paused, "death within one year."
He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said. "Why?" he asked aloud.  
"Why did You do this? 
You've put him here; 
You've put him in this pain; and You've cursed him to an early death. 
Why?"
The Lord answered and said, 
"The boy, My lamb, was not meant for your flock for  long, for he is a part of My flock, and will forever be. 
Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain, and will be comforted as you cannot imagine. 
His parents will one day join him here, and they will know peace, and My flock will continue to grow."
The surgeon's tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. "You created that boy, and You created that heart. 
He'll be dead in months. 
Why?" 
The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock, for he has done his duty: I did not put My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost  lamb."
The surgeon wept.
The surgeon sat beside the boy's bed; the boy's parents sat across from him.
The boy awoke and whispered, 
"Did you cut open my heart?" 
"Yes," said the surgeon.
"What did you find?" asked the boy.
"I found Jesus there," said the surgeon.
- Author Unknown Caring and sharing

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one old winter evening. 
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what
The admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
 The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut  it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless.
Again you could tell what they were thinking.
 "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for  the old couple to eat.
 The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
 She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.
This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer.
Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything.
What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered.....

 "The teeth". Mike and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. 
They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things. 
Mike asked if Mars had a stock market, if they had laptop computers, and how they made money Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen.
The male Martian responded, 
"Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night. 
Maureen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian stripped. 
Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a teeny weenie member, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen.
"Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!
"No problem," he said, and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long
"Well," she said, 
"that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow," he said, started pulling his ears. 
With each pull, his member grew wider and wider.
"wow!" she exclaimed. 
They fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day, the couples joined their normal partners and went their separate ways. 
As they walked along, Mike asked,
 "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. 
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replied. 
"All I got was a headache. 
She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made. She called each student to the front of the class, one at a time. First she told each of them how they had made a difference to her and the class.

Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters, which read, "Who I Am Makes a Difference."

Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community.

She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony. Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report to the class in about a week.

One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning. He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt.

Then he gave him two extra ribbons and said, "We're doing a class project on recognition, and we'd like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going. Then please report back to me and tell me what happened."

Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.

The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him. His surprised boss said, "Well, sure." The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss's jacket above his heart. 
As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said, "Would you do me a favor? 
Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else?

The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects those that were given the Blue Ribbon.

That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down.

He said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my office and one of the junior executives came in and told me he admired me and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine He thinks I am a creative genius. Then he put this blue ribbon that says 'Who I Am Makes A Difference'" on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honor. 

As I was driving home tonight, I thought about you. I want to honor you. My days are hectic and when I come home, I don't pay a lot of attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades in school and for your bedroom being a mess, but somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know that you do make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life. You re a great kid and I love you!"

The startled boy started to sob and sob and he couldn't stop crying. His whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said through his tears, "Dad, earlier tonight I sat in my room and wrote a letter to you and Mom explaining why I had killed myself and asking you to forgive me.

I was going to commit suicide tonight after you were asleep. I just didn't think that you cared at all. The letter is upstairs.

I don't think I need it after all." His father walked upstairs and found a heartfelt letter full of anguish and pain.
The envelope was addressed, "Mom and Dad". The boss went back to work a changed man.
He was no longer a grouch but made sure to let all his employees know that they made a difference.

The junior executive helped several other young people with career planning and never forgot to let them know that they made a difference in his life, one being the boss's son. And the young boy and his classmates learned a valuable lesson. 
Who you are DOES make a difference. Women - know your place in the bedroom (This is an actual extract from a Home Economics textbook printed in the early 60's.)

When retiring to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.

When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it.

In all things be lead by your husband's wishes, do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy.

Should your husband suggest congress then accede humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's.

When he reaches his moment of fulfillment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.

Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent.

It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face and hair care products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes. A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art.

They had everything in their collection, from Picaso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art. When the Viet Nam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier.

The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son. About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands. 

He said, "Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art." The young man held out his package. "I know this isn't much.  I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this."

The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in sweat the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture.

 Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift".

The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.

The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one of them or the collection. 

On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel. We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?"
 
There was silence.

Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, "We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one."

But the auctioneer persisted. 

"Will someone bid for this painting? 
Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?"
Another voice shouted angrily, 
"We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real bids 

But still the auctioneer continued. The son! The son! Who'll take the son?"
Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. 
"I'll give $10 for the painting."
Being a poor man, it was all he could afford. 
"We have $10, who will bid $20?"
"Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters."
 "$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?"

The crowd was becoming angry. 
They didn't want the picture of the son. 
They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections.
The auctioneer pounded the gavel. 
"Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!"
A man sitting on the second row shouted, 
"Now let's get on with the collection!"
The auctioneer laid down his gavel. 
"I'm sorry, the auction is over."
"What about the paintings?"
 "I am sorry. 
When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. 
Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings. 
The man who took the son gets every thing!"

God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on a cruel cross.
Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: "The son, the son, who'll take the son?"

Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything. NEW CASHPOINT MACHINES

Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive-thru" cash point machines customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

 Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember it when you use the machine for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE

 1 Drive up to the cash machine.

 2 Wind down your car window.

3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5 Retrieve card, cash, and receipt

6 Wind up window

7 Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1 Drive up to cash machine.

2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine

3 Re-start the stalled engine

4 Wind down the window

5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

6 Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror

7 Attempt to insert card into machine

8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car

9 Insert card

10 Insert card the right way up

11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page

12 Enter PIN.

13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

14 Enter amount of cash required

15 Re-check make up in rear view mirror

16 Retrieve cash and receipt

17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside

18 Place receipt in back of cheque book

19 Re-check make-up again

20 Drive forwards 2 metres

21 Reverse back to cash machine

22 Retrieve card

23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided

24 Re-check make-up

 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off

 26 Drive for 3 to 4 miles

27 Release hand brake Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes long.
Since the average length of a penis is about 5 inches (except in chat rooms, where they're all 12), the average girl receives 180 inches of penis or 15 feet of penis per intercourse.
If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes 156 times annually) 156 x 15 feet of penis makes 2340 feet, or about a half mile of penis per year.
If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could say that you could be getting 2340 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 138,060, or 46,020 yards, or about 31 miles of penis in your lifetime. Any gal who's getting more than that, well, yer just a big ole slut.
 Birth Control Pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I’d like to have some birth-control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me,
Mrs. Smith, but you’re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

At The Bus Stop

One day at a bus stop, there was a girl who was wearing a skin tight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little.
She still could not reach the step.
Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more.
Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way.
Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man said, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

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