Jokes & Stories for February
I've just found out I can
still have sex at 74!
I am so happy because I live at 68,
not far to walk home .. . . Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat
down beside me.
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot
him, the little bastard OLD people have problems that you haven't even
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's
like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked the wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth
out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the bloody jar open.'
A city cop was on his horse waiting
to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped
Nice bike, the cop said did Santa bring it to you?
Yep, the little girl said, he sure did!
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation. The cop said, Next year tell Santa to put a reflector
light on the back of it.
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, Nice horse you got there
sir, did Santa bring it to you?
Yes, he sure did, chuckled the cop..
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, Next year tell Santa the
dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Early this year, some Air New Zealand employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Rescue Helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Air New Zealand.
A man, wanting to rob a Bank of New Zealand, walked into the Branch and wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the Westpac Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller.
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of New Zealand deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Westpac withdrawal slip or go back to Bank of New Zealand. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of New Zealand.
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the Counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two hours later.
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!'
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious.
It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
When my husband and I arrived at a
car dealers to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in
We went to the service department and found a mechanic
working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'
An elderly couple, who were both
widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living
arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked her rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment,
adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is
that one word or two?' I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She
picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. 'Why?' my
'Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been,
it's dirty, and probably has germs,' I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and
asked 'Mum, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.'
I was thinking quickly and replied, 'All mums know this stuff. It's on
the Mum Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mum.' We
walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.
'Oh....I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have
to be the dad.'
'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face
Blonde Cook Book
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has
been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try
out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I
would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
New York was driving through a
remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was Uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would
let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service
station,Yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the
"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse,
put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I
Wouldn't fall off..."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
An Irishman was walking home late
at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.
'Twenty dollars,” she whispers.
Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides -- what the hell, it's
only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going at it for a couple of minutes when , all of a sudden , a light flashes on them. It's a police
'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer. 'I'm making love to me
wife,' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm so sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well, needer did I,' says Paddy, 'til ya shoined dat light in her face!!!”
The Pope and Tiger woods died on
the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to
hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven..
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and
after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However",
the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".
Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven
and they stop to have a chat
"Sorry about the mix up", apologies the Pope "No problem" replied Tiger
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Tiger: "You're a day late"
Sue Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian,WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two
Wong's don't make a white,
so I think we will name him...
Are you ready for this?
Sum Ting Wong
Irish Password Protection!
During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the
Bank of Ireland it was
found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
When Paddy was asked why he had such a
long password: he replied''Bejazus! are yez stupid? Oi was told me
password had to be at least 8
characters long and include one capital''What’s Really in a Viagra pill
I knew it...... I just knew
it! I knew that Pfizer would eventually release the formula for
3% Vitamin E
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat Police
in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it
Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by
mistake - both are in intensive care...One has a dodgy tikka and the
other one is in a korma. During
last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know
they were living up there'. Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough
television shows with minorities in mind, so Crime watch is being shown
5 times a week now. I just
saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a
ginger haired kid, with two friends? I had
a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in
front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits. I was
reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
I was walking down the road when I
saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
Ken and his
wife Edna went to the state fair every year,
And every year Ken would say,
'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Ken and
Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Edna replied,
"Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty
The pilot overheard the
couple and said,'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you
for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a
word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
'Well, to tell you
the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out,
But you know,"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!' Indian Mystery revealed
Finally someone has cleared this up for me...
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of
us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion,
Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union..
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether
A - Taxi licence in Adelaide
B - Convenience store in Melbourne
C- Service station in Perth,
D- Kebab shop in Brisbane
E- Take away cafe in Sydney
If there is nothing there, he must
take a job in India answering telephones
giving technical advice to Telstra and Optus customers in Australia.
A 2007 study found that the average
Australian walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of
beer a year.
That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon.
Bloody good value that!
A woman went to a pet shop & immediatelyspotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. 'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some inappropriate stuff.'
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'
The woman was a bit taken back at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'
The girls and the woman were offended at first but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,'Hi, Keith!'
UP & DOWN SEX
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his
fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and
the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad
passionate love to the man right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened,
but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they
came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate
love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go
fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when
they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up
or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down
the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the
lady, 'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal?
Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you
made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I
thought the choices were fuck or drown...
One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such
a comment go unrewarded.The next morning the husband took a pair of
underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself
as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder
in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you see me rob this bank?' The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.' The robber then shot him in the Temple , killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'
Men can be such Bastards.
The Global Facts ...
At Any Given Moment:
79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right
58,000,000 are kissing.
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
1 lonely bugger is
You hang in there sunshine!
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to
see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw
an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the
envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's,
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because
she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we
will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of
firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other
people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
Love, your son, Nicholas.
“ P.S. Mum, none of
the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
the school report that's on my desk”
I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Baby's First Doctor Visit.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
Waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
Checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
Asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk.'
I know, she said ,
I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came .'
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between "potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .
But 'realistically', we're living with two
hookers and a homo. At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly
husband's marriage seminar.
At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching
his 50th wedding anniversary to take a few minutes and share some
insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a tried to treata
her nice, spenda the money on her, but best is that I tooka her to Italy
for our 25th anniversary!"
The Priest responded,"Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the
husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for
your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go back and get her."
Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing, while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom......... 1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening
when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was
stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old
shout from the back seat, 'Mum, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child
are not necessarily those of his parents..'
3) TOMATO SAUCE
A woman was trying hard to get the Tomato Sauce out of the bottle.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter
to answer the phone. 'Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right
now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a
little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I
was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down
at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and
continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I
should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you
please tie my shoelace?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of
the station. As I gathered my equipment, my Canine partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got
back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she
saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
While walking along the footpath in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
box and cotton wool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father
always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the
hole he goes.'
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just
wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write,
and they won't let me talk!'
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old
leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found, ' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's
The Little Blue Man
A truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a standstill, rolls down the window, and asks the little yellow man what's wrong.
"I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry," sobs the little man.
"Well," says the trucker, "I can offer you a cheese sandwich, but that's as much as I can do." So he passes a sandwich to the little yellow man and drives off.
A bit later he has to stop again, because there's a little red man in the middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and a bit more impatiently - asks the little red man what the matter is.
"I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty," the little man bawls.
So the trucker says, "I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as can do." He hands a can of Coke down to the little red man and drives off.
A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road. Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps, "Yes, you little blue poof, what planet are you from and what the f#?K do you want?"
And the little blue man answers, "Your driver's licence,
please...". A Boss Who Tells It Like It Is
Date: Wed, 21 Jan 2009
To All My Valued Employees,
There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of
this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy
has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the
good news is this: The economy doesn't pose a threat to your job. What
does threaten your job; however, is the changing political landscape in
However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help
you decide what is in your best interests.
First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against
employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is
a back story. This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by
what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Subaru Outback outside.
You've seen my big home at last year's Christmas party. I'm sure all
these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealised thoughts about my
However, what you don't see is the back story.
I started this company 28 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 2
bedroom flat for 3 years. My entire living area was converted into an
office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which
by the way, would eventually employ you.
My diet consisted of baked beans, stew and soup because every dollar I
spent went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a
wonky transmission. I didn't have time to go out with women. Often
times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and
partying. In fact, I was married to my business -- hard work,
discipline, and sacrifice.
Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a
modest $50,000 a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove
flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer
clothes. Instead of hitting David Jones for the latest hot fashion item,
I was trolling through the discount stores extracting any clothing item
that didn't look like it was birthed in the 70's. My friends refinanced
their mortgages and lived a life of luxury. I, however, did not. I put
my time, my money, and my life into a business with a vision that
eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford these luxuries my
friends supposedly had.
So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9am, mentally check in
at about noon, and then leave at 5pm, I don't. There is no "off" button
for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend
all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, and
breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is
no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached
to my hip like a 1 year old special-needs child. You, of course, only
see the fruits of that garden -- the nice house, the Subaru, the
vacations... you never realise the back story and the sacrifices I've
Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy who made all the right
decisions and saved his money, have to bail-out all the people who
didn't. The people that overspent their pay suddenly feel entitled to
the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for.
Yes, business ownership has its benefits but the price I've paid is
steep and not without wounds.
Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you, is
starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell
I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don't pay enough.
I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes.
Payroll taxes. Workers compensation. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes.
I have to hire an accountant to manage all these taxes and then guess
what? I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and
regulations and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most of
my time.. On Oct 15th, I wrote a cheque to the Australian tax Office for
$288,000 for quarterly taxes. You know what my "stimulus" cheque was?
Zero. Zip. Zilch.
The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the guy
who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000
people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother
sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next
welfare cheque? Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic
stimulus of this country.
The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your pay you'd quit and
you wouldn't work here. I mean, why should you? That's nuts. Who wants
to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why
your job is in jeopardy.
Here is what many of you don't understand ... to stimulate the economy
you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had the government suddenly
mandated to me that I didn't need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of
depositing that $288,000 into the Canberra black-hole, I would have
spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic
growth. My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in
the form of promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now.
When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don't
defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to
life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the
heart of Australia and always has been. To restart it, you must
stimulate it, not kill it. But the power brokers in Canberra believe the
poor of Australia are the essential drivers of the Australian economic
engine. Nothing could be further from the truth and this is the type of
change you can keep.
So where am I going with all this?
It's quite simple.
If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be
swift and simple. I fire you. I fire your co-workers. You can then plead
with the government to pay for your mortgage, your 4WD and your child's
future. Frankly, it isn't my problem any more.
Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and
retire. You see, I'm done. I'm done with a country that penalises the
productive and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to
provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship.
So, if you lose your job, it won't be at the hands of the economy; it
will be at the hands of politicians who swept through this country and
changed its financial landscape forever. If that happens, you can find
me sitting on a beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about....
I, the Penis,
hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious- looking bags.
V. Gina This is probably the funniest date story ever, first
date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had
taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and
had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until
they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about
an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside
the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her
companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed
was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think
about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As
she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen
to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her
flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand
new problem, due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply
that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some
assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with
her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst
out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to
compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical
as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from
the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the
predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was
only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first
time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize
hands down. Or perhaps that should be pants down.
'And you thought your first date was embarrassing' was Jay Leno's
comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'
Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
sitting next to her on the Leno show.
Russell Crowe flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play rugby league and Is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come Over to South Sydney .. He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season.
Two weeks later Rabbits are down 10 nil to Easts with only 10 minutes left.
The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes
The kid is A sensation - scores 3 tries in 10 minutes and wins the game
for South Sydney !
The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star.
When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of Australian Rugby League.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says.
'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 10 Nil down, but I scored 3
tries and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the Media...
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got Shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were
ambushed, Raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of
looters, and all While you were having such great time.'
The young Iraqi is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm
'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to
Redfern in The first place!'
When you have an 'I Hate My Job day' (Even if you're
retired, you sometimes have those days)
Try this out:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors,
draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on
a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will
notice that in small print there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested
and then sanitized. '
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do
not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog,
tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for
something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who
owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat,' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry
'cause I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog
wants to have sex!'
(You gotta love this) ....
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted
a police dog.' A
petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7.. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, I think that game is
rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My
wife won twice last week.' Kids Are Quick
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here itis.
TEACHER: John,why are you doing your math multiplication
on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it
is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, wh do you always get so dirty?
I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now,
Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
Now,Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
teacher ! A man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. However, no
matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm
so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.
The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion;
"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love
have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you
both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he
fans you both with the towel.
That will help your wife fantasise, and should bring on a full-blown
They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome
young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them
both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is
unsatisfied and frustrated.
Perplexed, they go back to the therapist "Okay" he says, "let's try it
Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over
Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the
wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with
great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking,
Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder
and says to him triumphantly.... "NOW THAT'S how you wave a f ***ing
towel, son!!"One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong
and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one
is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to
see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes
-- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy
guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all. " "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids. "> "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself, "
little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of
intelligence come from?"
replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause
I still have mine "
old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
1. All the DNA is the same
2. There are no dental records. Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing
the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best
him, so he
walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start
me a drink."
"My wife got me to believe in religion."
"Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
surgery, " he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse."OOPS!"
was a man who had worked hard all his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to
take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my
money to the afterlife with me."
He got his wife to promise faithfully that when he died, she would put
all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he eventually died. There he was, stretched out in the casket,
with his wife sitting in the front pew dressed in black, accompanied
by her friend sitting next to her. When they had finished the
ceremony, the undertakers came forward to close the casket.
At that moment, the wife called out in a loud voice, "Wait just a
As she rose, she had a box with her. She came over to the casket and
placed the box along side her deceased husband's body in the casket.
The undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
Her friend turned to the deceased's wife and said, "Girl, surely you
weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a good honest Christian......I
can't go back on my word.
I promised my husband that I was going to put that money in that
casket with him and that is what I have done."
Her friend gasped, "You mean to tell me you put all that money in the
casket with him?!!!"
"I sure did......every penny," said the wife. "I collected it all
together, put it into my bank account and wrote him a cheque.
can cash it, he can spend it."A crusty old Sergeant Major found
himself at a gala event, hosted
by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you
to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just
serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take
this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out
and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded
to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare
chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."A wee Glesga boy comes home from
school and tells his mother he's
been given a part in the school play. 'Wonderful. Whit part is
it? 'she asks The boy says, 'I play the part of the Scottish
husband. The mother scowls and says, 'Go back an' tell that
teacher you want a speaking part!One day the Primary 1 teacher was
reading the story of the Three
Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where
the First pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for
his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with
the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I
have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said F***
me! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next
10 minutes!A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in
the doctor's examining
room, Waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived,
examined the baby, checked his weight found it somewhat below
normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.
pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a
while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning
to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under
weight. You don't have any milk !"
I know," she said, "ah'm his Granny, but I'm glad I
came!"A wee Glesga man and a woman who have
never met before, find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the
initial embarrassment, hey both manage to get to sleep, the woman on
the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the
night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you,
but I'm freezing and I was wondering if you could possibly pass
me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his
eye, says, "I've got a better idea let's kid-on wur married.
"Why not," giggles the woman. "Good", he
replies. "Get yur ain
blanket".This bloke is sitting reading his
Daily Record newspaper when his
wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a
Whit wis that fur?" he cries. "That wis for
of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name Mary-Rose written
oan it," said she. Don't be daft," he explains, "two
when I went to the races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the
horses I bet on." She seemed satisfied ;apologised, and went
to do the housework.
Three days later he's again sitting in his
chair reading when she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking
him out cold.
When he comes around, he "whit the hell
wis that fur?"
"Your horse phoned!"First-year students at Med School were
receiving their first Anatomy class with a
real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a
doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by
anything involving the human body." For an example, the
Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his
finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it
and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students
freaked out, hesitated for several minutes,
but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of
the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The
second most important quality is observation.
I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index
finger. Now learn to pay attention."The Smiths were unable to conceive
children, and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his
wife and said, "I'm off.
The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning madam. I've
Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith
Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! My specialty
That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we
Photographer - "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in
bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes
the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread
Wife - "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work
for Harry and me."
Photographer - "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good
one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or
seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the
Wife - "My, my, that's a lot of ...."
Photographer - "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed
with that, I'm sure."
Wife (muttering)- "Don't I know it,"
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures.
Photographer - "This was done on the top of a bus."
Wife - "Oh my god!!"
Photographer - "And these twins turned out exceptionally well,
when you consider their mother was so difficult to work
Wife - "She was difficult ?"
Photographer - "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her
the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four
and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Wife - "Four and five deep?" (eyes widened in amazement)
Photographer - "Yes, and for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
packed it all in."
Wife (leaning forward) - "You mean they actually chewed on your
Photographer - "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready,
I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"
Wife - "Tripod??
Photographer - "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon
It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam?... .
Good Lord, she's fainted!!" Two old ladies are outside their
nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to
rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the
end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of
strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very
delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.A woman was walking down the street
when a man approached her.
The man said, " I want to have SEX with you right now!
I'll drop 500 dollars dollars on the ground at your feet and in the
time it takes for you to pick it up I will have my way
with you from behind and be on my way.
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute.
She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her
about the man's proposition.
Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground
I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his
Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back.
"What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said "That Son-Of-A-Bi#ch had $500 in 20 cent
pieces.!"A Greenie runs a stop sign and gets
pulled over by a policeman.
As you would expect, the Greenie is an arrogant b..tard who thinks
that he is smarter than the cop because of his education and
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's
Cop says, "Licence, please." Greenie says, "What
for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the
Greenie says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License,
Greenie says, "What's the difference?"
Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete
stop, that's the law. Licence, please!"
Greenie says, "If you can show me the legal difference between
slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and you give me the
fine, if not you let me go and no fine.
Cop says, "Okay, get out of your vehicle, sir." At this
point, the cop takes out his baton and starts beating the cr*p out
of the Greenie and says:
"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
May the sun always shine on your
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.Q.
What's a mixed feeling?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball
is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.Here is everything that you wanted to
know about marketing:
You see a gorgeous girl at a party; you go up to her and
"I'm fantastic in bed".
That's Direct Marketing.
One of your friends goes up to her, points at you and says
"He's fantastic in bed"
You go up to her and get her number. The next day you call and
Hi, I'm fantastic in bed"
You straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a drink.
open the door for her, pick up her bag after
she drops it, offer her a ride,
and then say
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed".
That's Public Relations.
She walks up to you and says "I hear you're fantastic in
That's Brand Recognition. A Chinese man decides to move to
Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He buys a small piece of land near the outback. A few days after
moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbor decides to go across and
welcome the new guy to the region. So he goes next
door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees
the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing
about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese
customs", he decides to put the welcome
on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "What the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that cow's bum, it could just about shit on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry Sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs."
"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."
"Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you
see, in order for me to become a true
Australian, I must Chase Chicks, Drink Piss, and listen to Bull-shit. This is an actual extract from a sex education school textbook for girls,
printed in the early 60's in the UK.
When retiring to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as
possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired
husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would have to do for
his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed.
Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to
apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be
shocking to a man last thing at night.
When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your
marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him.
If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be led by
your husband's wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy.
Should your husband suggest congress then agree humbly all the while being
mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's.
When he reaches his moment of fulfillment a small moan from yourself is encouraging
to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.
Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient
and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is
likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your
clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face and hair care products.
You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning.
This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.A blonde is terribly overweight, so
her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for
two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks.
The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going
to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."In the hospital, the relatives gathered
in the waiting room, where their family member
lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in,
looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm
the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
worried faces. "The only hope left
for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an
experimental procedure, semi-risky-and you will have
to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. Finally, one man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask: "Why does the male brain cost so much more?" The doctor smiled at his childish innocence, and so, to the entire group he said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT. "THE POO FILE"
GHOST POO - You know you've poo'd. There's poo on the toilet paper, but none in the toilet.
TEFLA COATED POO - comes out so slick and clean that you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.
GOOEY POO - This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe 12 times and you still don't come out clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain them. This poo leaves a permanent skid mark in the toilet.
SECOND THOUGHT POO - you're all done wiping and you're about to stand up when you realise ... there's more where that came from.
POP VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD POO - This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, 'trembling and purple' from straining so hard.
WEIGHT WATCHERS POO - You poo so much you lose several kilograms.
RIGHT NOW POO - You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to it. Usually its tip is out before you can get your pants down.
KING KONG OR GODZILLA POO - This is so big that you know it won't go down. You know you'll have to break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of poo usually happens at someone else's house or WORK!
CORK POO (ALSO KNOWN AS FLOATERS) -Even after the third flush it's still floating. How does one get rid of it???
WET CHEEKS POO - This poo hits the water side-ways and makes a big 'SPLASH' that gets you all wet.
WISH POO - You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times ... but no poo.
GARLIC AND BAKED BEANS POO - Normally your poo doesn't smell too bad...but this one is BAD.. Usually this one happens at someone else's house or WORK and there is someone outside to use the bathroom
MEXICAN FOOD POO (ALSO CALLED SCREAMERS) - You'll know it's all-right to eat again when your "b---" stops burning!!! Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you
need to know? Two elderly women were eating at a
restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something
funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know
you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out
& stared at it. Then she said,
"Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where
my hearing aid is."When the husband finally died his wife
put the usual death notice in the paper, but
added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a
good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.
Replied the widow," I nursed him night and day so of course I
know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it
would be better for posterity to remember him
as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."An elderly couple was on a cruise and
it was really stormy.
They were standing on
the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and
washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 ...please advise"
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the
trap" When I went to lunch today, I noticed
an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing
her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said,
"I have a 22 year old husband at home. He
makes love to me every morning and then gets
up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite
brownies and then makes love to me for half
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and
my favorite dessert and then makes love to me
until 2:00 a.m.
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live
in a house together. One night the 96 year old
draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and
She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was
I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful."
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then yells, "I'll come up
and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."I
dreamed I had an interview with God.
"Come in," God
said. "So, you would like to interview Me?"
"If you have the time," I said.
God smiled and said:
"My time is eternity and is enough to do everything; what questions do you have in mind to ask me?"
I said "What
surprises you most about mankind?"
God answered: "That
they get bored of being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again."
"That they lose their health to make money and then lose
their money to restore their health."
"That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the
"That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if
God's hands took mine and we were silent for while and then I asked...
parent, what are some of life's lessons you want your children
God replied with a
"To learn that they
cannot make anyone love them. What they can do
is to let themselves be loved."
"To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in
their lives, but who they have in their lives."
"To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others.
be judged individually on their own merits,
not as a group on a comparison basis."
that a rich person is not the one who has the
most, but is one who needs the least."
"To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds
in persons we love, and that it takes many
years to heal them."
"To learn to
forgive by practicing forgiveness."
"To learn that
there are persons that love them dearly, but simply do not know how to express or show their feelings"
"To learn that
money can buy everything but happiness."
"To learn that two
people can look at the same thing and see it totally different."
that a true friend is someone who knows everything about them. ..and likes them
that it is not always enough that they be forgiven by others, but that they have to forgive themselves."
I sat there for awhile enjoying the moment. I thanked Him for his time and for all that He has done for me and my family,
and He replied,
"Anytime. I'm here 24 hours a day. All you have to do is ask
for me, and I'll
forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them
PS: Pass it on to someone special in your life....just as we thought of you. A TALE OF TOMATOES
An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a
The manager there arranges for an aptitude test (Section: Floors,
sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says:
You will be appointed on the scale of $30 per
Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on
your first day.
Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in
possession of a computer nor of an e-mail
To this the MS exist and can therefore hardly
expect to be employed. Stunned, the man leaves.
Not knowing where to turn and only having about $10 left, he decides
to buy a 10kg box of tomatoes at the
Within less than 2 hours, he sells the
tomatoes singly at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100
before going to sleep that night. And thus it
dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living
selling tomatoes. Getting up early and earlier every day and going to bed late and later, he multiplies his
hoard of profits in quite a short time.
Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several
dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade
it in again shortly afterwards on a pick-up
truck. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred
former unemployed people, all selling
Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy
some life assurance.
Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit
his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order that
he might forward the documentation.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned:
"What, you don't even have e-mail?
How on earth have you managed to amass such
wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce?
Just imagine where you would have been by now,
if you had been connected from the very
After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied:
"Sure! I would have been a cleaner at
Morals of the story:
1: The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule
2: If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3: Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a cleaner than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4: If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already being taken to the cleaners by Microsoft. Subject: Never lie to kids
There was a guy sun bathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The little girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"
Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." And the little girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
The police asked him what happened.
The guy says, "I don't
know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked
me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here. "The police went
to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her, "What did
you do to that naked fellow?
"After a pause, the she replied, "To him? Nothing much. I
was playing with his
bird and it spat at me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!
"Moral of the story..........never lie to kids.
Try, Try Again
Happy with their two
stunningly beautiful teenage daughters but
wanting a son, a middle-aged couple decided to try one last
time. After months of effort, the wife finally became pregnant,
and nine months later she delivered a healthy baby
boy. The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his new
son and was horrified to discover that the child was possibly
the ugliest he had ever seen. The man went
back to his wife. "There's no way I could be the
father of that baby! Look at the two beautiful daughters
I've had!" He glared at his wife. "Have you been fooling
around on me?
"His wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this
Little Mary was not
the best student in Sunday School.
Usually she slept through
the class. One day her teacher a Nun called on
her while she was napping. "Tell me,
Mary, who created the universe?
"When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair
behind her, took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God
Almighty!" shouted Mary and the Nun said,
"Very good" and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the Nun asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the Nun said. "Very Good" and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the Nun asked Mary a
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If
you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll
break it in half!"
The Nun fainted...... Irish News
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small, 2 seater
Cessna crashed into a cemetery this afternoon
in Central Ireland.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into
the night. The mind bogglesWhether I think I can, or think I
can't - I'm probably rightIf I always do
What I've always done
I'll always get
What I've always hadI found Jesus
there. (tissue needed! )
"Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began, "I'll open up
"You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted.
The surgeon looked up, annoyed.
"I'll cut your heart open," he continued,
"to see how much damage has been done..."
"But when you open up my heart, you'll find Jesus in
there." The surgeon looked to the
parents, who sat quietly.
"When I see how much damage has been done, I'll sew your heart
and chest back up and
I'll plan what to do next."
"But you'll find Jesus in my heart.
The Bible says He lives there.
The hymns all say He
You'll find Him in my heart." The surgeon
had had enough. "I'll tell you what I'll find in your heart.
I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply,
and weakened vessels. And I'll find out if I can make you well."
"You'll find Jesus there too. He lives there."
The surgeon left.
The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery, "...damaged aorta, damaged
pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration.
No hope for transplant, no hope for cure.
Therapy: painkillers and bed rest.
Prognosis:, " here he paused, "death within one
He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said.
"Why?" he asked aloud.
"Why did You do this?
You've put him here;
You've put him in this pain; and You've
cursed him to an early death.
The Lord answered and said,
"The boy, My lamb, was not meant for your flock for long, for he is a
part of My flock, and will forever be.
Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain, and will be comforted as
you cannot imagine.
His parents will one day join him here, and they will know peace, and My flock will continue to
The surgeon's tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. "You
created that boy, and
You created that heart.
He'll be dead in months.
The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock,
for he has done his duty: I did not put
My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost
The surgeon wept.
The surgeon sat beside the boy's bed; the boy's parents sat across
The boy awoke and whispered,
"Did you cut open my heart?"
"Yes," said the surgeon.
"What did you find?" asked the boy.
"I found Jesus there," said the surgeon.
- Author Unknown
Caring and sharing
A little old couple walked
slowly into McDonalds one old winter evening.
They looked out of place amid
the young families and young couples eating
there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what
The admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has
been through a lot together, probably for 60
years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their
meal. The couple took a table
near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There
was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully
cut it in half. He placed one half in
front of his wife. Then he carefully counted
out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few
bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless.
Again you could tell what they were thinking.
"That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal
for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely
offered to buy another meal for
the old couple to eat.
The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used
to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally
taking turns sipping the drink. Again the
young man came over and begged them to let
him buy them something to eat.
This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished
eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand
it no longer.
Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food.
After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of
the little old lady.
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share
What is it that you are waiting for?"
"The teeth". Mike and
Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.
They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asked if Mars had a stock market, if they had laptop computers,
and how they made money Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen.
The male Martian responded,
"Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap
partners for the night.
Maureen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian
Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a teeny weenie
member, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen.
"Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to
"No problem," he said, and proceeded to slap his forehead
with his palm.
With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long
"Well," she said,
"that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow," he said, started pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grew wider and
"wow!" she exclaimed.
They fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day, the couples joined their normal partners and went
their separate ways.
As they walked along, Mike asked,
"Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replied.
"All I got was a headache.
She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my
ears."A teacher in New York decided to honor
each of her seniors in high school by telling
them the difference they each made. She called each student to the front of the class, one at a time. First she told
each of them how they had made a difference to
her and the class.
Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters, which read, "Who I Am Makes a Difference."
Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community.
She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony. Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report to the class in about a week.
One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning. He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt.
Then he gave him two extra ribbons and said, "We're doing a class project on recognition, and we'd like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going. Then please report back to me and tell me what happened."
Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.
The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if
he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon
and would he give him permission to put it on
him. His surprised boss said, "Well, sure." The junior
executive took the blue ribbon and placed it
right on his boss's jacket above his heart.
As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said,
"Would you do me a favor?
Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by
honoring somebody else?
The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects those that were given the Blue Ribbon.
That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down.
He said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my office and one of the junior executives came in and told me he admired me and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine He thinks I am a creative genius. Then he put this blue ribbon that says 'Who I Am Makes A Difference'" on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honor.
As I was driving home tonight, I thought about you. I want to honor you. My days are hectic and when I come home, I don't pay a lot of attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades in school and for your bedroom being a mess, but somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know that you do make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life. You re a great kid and I love you!"
The startled boy started to sob and sob and he couldn't stop crying. His whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said through his tears, "Dad, earlier tonight I sat in my room and wrote a letter to you and Mom explaining why I had killed myself and asking you to forgive me.
I was going to commit suicide tonight after you were asleep. I just didn't think that you cared at all. The letter is upstairs.
I don't think I need it after all." His father walked
upstairs and found a heartfelt letter full of
anguish and pain.
The envelope was addressed, "Mom and Dad". The boss went back to work a changed man.
He was no longer a grouch but made sure to let
all his employees know that they made a difference.
The junior executive helped several other young people with
career planning and never forgot to let them know that they made
a difference in his life, one being the boss's son.
And the young boy and his classmates learned a valuable
Who you are DOES make a difference.
Women - know your place in the bedroom
(This is an actual extract from a Home Economics textbook printed
in the early 60's.)
When retiring to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.
When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it.
In all things be lead by your husband's wishes, do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy.
Should your husband suggest congress then accede humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's.
When he reaches his moment of fulfillment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.
Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent.
It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face and hair care products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes. A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art.
They had everything in their collection, from Picaso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art. When the Viet Nam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier.
The father was notified and
grieved deeply for his only son. About a month
later, just before Christmas, there was a knock
at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package
in his hands.
He said, "Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier
for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that
day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked
about you, and your love for art." The young man held out his
package. "I know this isn't much.
I'm not really a great artist,
but I think your son would have wanted you to
The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted
by the young man. He stared in sweat the way the soldier
had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up
with tears. He thanked the
young man and offered to pay him for the picture.
Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's
The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors
came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his
son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.
The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction
of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited
over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase
one of them or the collection.
On the platform sat the painting of the son.
The auctioneer pounded his gavel. We will start the bidding
with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?"
There was silence.
Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, "We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one."
But the auctioneer persisted.
"Will someone bid for
Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?"
Another voice shouted angrily,
"We didn't come to see this painting. We
came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real
But still the auctioneer continued. The son! The son! Who'll
take the son?"
Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was
the longtime gardener of the man and his son.
"I'll give $10 for the painting."
Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.
"We have $10, who will bid $20?"
"Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters."
"$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?"
The crowd was becoming angry.
They didn't want the picture of the son.
They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections.
The auctioneer pounded the gavel.
"Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!"
A man sitting on the second row shouted,
"Now let's get on with the
The auctioneer laid down his gavel.
"I'm sorry, the auction is over."
"What about the paintings?"
"I am sorry.
When I was called to conduct this auction, I was
told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed
to reveal that stipulation until this time Only
the painting of the son would be auctioned.
Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings.
The man who took the son gets every thing!"
God gave His son 2,000 years
ago to die on a cruel cross.
Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: "The
son, the son, who'll take the son?"
Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything. NEW CASHPOINT MACHINES
Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive-thru" cash point machines customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.
Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember it when you use the machine for the first time.
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off
1 Drive up to cash machine.
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6 Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Re-check make up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Re-check make-up again
20 Drive forwards 2 metres
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24 Re-check make-up
25 Restart stalled engine and pull off
26 Drive for 3 to 4 miles
27 Release hand brake Scientists have determined that the
average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes.
The average number of strokes is 9 per minute,
making the average intercourse 36 strokes
Since the average length of a penis is about 5 inches
(except in chat rooms, where they're all 12), the
average girl receives 180 inches of penis or 15 feet of penis per intercourse.
If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes
156 times annually) 156 x 15 feet of penis makes 2340 feet, or
about a half mile of penis per year.
If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average
life span of a woman is 75, you could say that you could be getting
2340 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 138,060, or 46,020 yards, or about 31 miles of penis in your lifetime.
Any gal who's getting more than that, well,
yer just a big ole slut.
Birth Control Pills
An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor
asked why she was there, she
replied, "I’d like to have some birth-control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said,
Mrs. Smith, but you’re 72 years old. What possible use could
you have for birth control
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the
world do birth control pills
help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter’s
every morning and
I sleep better at night."
At The Bus Stop
One day at a bus stop, there was a girl who was wearing a
skin tight miniskirt.
bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that
her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to
reach to step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she
reached back and unzipped her
skirt a little.
She still could not reach the step.
Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little
Still, she couldn't
reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and
unzipped her skirt all the
Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up
her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind
her put his hands around her
waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus.
The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch
my body that way, I don't even
Shocked, the man said, "Well, ma'am, after you reached
around and unzipped my fly
three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
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